My healing journey…

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Miriam now speaks of her day today.  It’s not going well.  I tried to concentrate and read at least one of the three books that I want to read to heal.  It didn’t happen.  I own the day as one to just be and to be sad.  Accept it.  Own it.

I tried to read more about negative self talk.  The problem is that my negative self talk is internal and so well hidden that I don’t realize that I am doing it.  I had a feeling of impending doom.  It is tax time in Canada and I don’t know how I will pay my taxes.  I get disability but my tax bill is so high that I can’t ask them to deduct taxes before they pay me.  I am debt poor as many are of my age.  I am barely surviving on what I get.  So the impending doom is real.  Luckily my children will probably help me out!

I tried to remember more of the bad experience I had as a child.  My counselor told me that no I didn’t have to remember, that I didn’t have to relive it.  I went through it once so it’s not necessary that I relive it.  That is a tremendous relief.  Writing the angry letter last week did not help.  But the numbness has slowly dislodged and I have a feeling of sadness now.  Sadness for an innocence lost, a childhood lost and for my mental state.  So much so that my art reflects my sadness.  Before I would paint and not put much feeling into the painting … that is in the expression.  Now I am more aware and the leopard that I drew was sad.  It had sad eyes.  I was sad.  I am mourning my childhood.

Another book I could read is Your Erroneous Zones by W. Dyer.  This too is about negative self-talk.  But this would be too heavy to read today.  So I put it away and watched television.  Some of my favorite shows.  I could read a book for pleasure.  My counselor recommended that.  I am reading Dragonfly in Amber by Diana Gabaldon, the Outlander novels.  But even that is too much work.

I even tried to meditate.  It worked for about ten minutes.  I couldn’t concentrate.  I tried to ground myself with the Sunshine relaxation technique.  That helped a bit.  It calmed me.

So today I own the day as another where I just watch television and slowly unthaw the numbness around my soul.  A day to sit and be.  I had my cup of tea.  I feel better.  And now I write about it in the hopes that it may help someone some day.  Writing soothes my soul as well.  So today is a day for sadness.  I lit my candle earlier and mourned that time in my childhood.  But now I feel better.

I talked to my mother.  I talked more openly about my illness and she is struggling but trying to understand.  She encourages me to exercise.  Which I am slowly trying to do.  I get bored on the elliptical.  Even the television doesn’t help.  I have just discovered audio books thanks to Stephen King and they seem to be helping.  I know exercise will help.  Now I only have to make it routine.  Mother’s day is coming.  My mother misses me but I don’t travel much these days.  I have already ordered flowers to be delivered.  I will call her on Mother’s Day…

It was recommended to me to accept the days when one can’t do much.  To own it.  Embrace it.  And pamper yourself.  My pampering consists of a cup of tea.  Maybe two.  And nutella on white bread.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  I am sure.  Mother told me not to give up hope…I still have hope!  Until next time…

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