My healing journey…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I have had a major breakthrough in my awareness of all that’s around me.  I am also assessing the damage of my abuse as a child.

It is so hard to write the word abuse.  It’s something that I try to hide from.  I have shame.  I feel dirty.  Yet what my babysitter did to me was not my fault!  I think that that was the hardest realization and the most freeing realization.  It wasn’t my fault.

I am mentally ill because I was abused as a child.  I am on disability.  I am not able to work.  I fear for my life.  That is how deep the anxiety goes!  My major breakthrough is that my fears may not be real.  What I have feared and the signs I had along the way to encourage the way I feel may just have been coincidence.  This is a major break through!  But how do you test it when even the ones you love might be in danger?!  You test it alone.  Without them being involved.

Today I went out and against all my instincts of self preservation, I went straight to the store and picked up some things.  I was testing if I was being followed.  I wore sunglasses just in case.  People seemed normal.  There was no obvious person that was following me or watching me.  Whew!  So when I got home I filled out my fear ladder.  And rated my fear as well as the event of going out.  You can read more about the fear ladder in this post.  So my fear is about an 8/10 with ten being the worst fear I can imagine.  It went well but was too short for me to be sure.  In addition I have to repeat going out like this more than once to be more sure that I am not being followed.  My psychiatrists response was to increase my medication dose and he had no comments on how to help me to know if my fears were real.  I have to rely on the Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Bourne.  It seems alright but to protect the ones I love I still have to be careful.

On another note I am also assessing the damage of my abuse.  There I said the word.  It’s a word people cringe from.  Forgive me.  The most damage has been in my self-esteem, my feelings and my body.  I have low self-esteem, I am numb and find it hard to cry, and I am overweight.  I have problems nurturing myself.  What I found interesting was that my sexuality has not been affected although I tend to be attracted to manipulators and men who don’t respect me.  I am also too obedient towards my lover and allow him to take over my personality.  Recently my family relations have suffered greatly from my mental illness.  I am extremely sad about this.  Hopefully they will respect me and allow me to heal at my own pace.  It is slow and painful and takes all of my courage.  I am using the book The Courage to Heal Workbook by Davis.

I have to wait until next week to talk with the professional about filing a police report.  We’ll be talking on Tuesday.  Then I think that I will make a report so that it’s on record what that babysitter did but also to protect myself.  What if after all these years he finds out that I know?!  What could or would he do!  Therein lies another fear.  For myself and my loved ones.

In addition I have decided to ask my mother about dates when the babysitter was taking care of me.  I won’t tell her about the abuse.  I’ll just say that I’ve been having bad dreams.  My mother is too old and fragile.  I don’t want to bother her about this!

Major changes.  Major hurdles.  All requiring courage.  The courage to heal.  I thank God for my counselor and the two books that I am reading.  The healing journey is a difficult one.  Hopefully this post has helped someone.  It had really helped me to heal.  Thank you.  I am posting Tuesdays now instead of Mondays.  Mondays are just too busy for me.  Until next time…

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