My healing journey…

alexandre-godreau-265144 unsplash 500 pi

Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I drew four designs for the story I am writing about myself.  I have modeled the story to Eowyn of Rohan of the Lord of the Rings.  Hence the designs below.  I finally wrote some of the story.  Slowly I heal.

 

My counselor told me to draw a sword and costumes for my story.  She told me to pick a heroine from a movie or a book.  So I chose Eowyn because she is a warrior.  I have to be a warrior to face my fears!  I have to have courage.  I have already posted my shield of courage that I designed just recently.  But my daughter told me the sword had to match the shield.  So I’ve redesigned the shield as you can see above.  The sword is modeled after a Rohan sword.  In both there is a round emblem with a heart in the middle.  The biggest source of my courage is my love for my children and their love for me.  Their love for me gives me great courage.  And my love for them gives me great courage in that I would do anything to protect them!  There are gold hearts at the corners of the shield as well.

collage weapons 3n4 500 pi

The costumes are shown below:

collage costumes 500 pi

 

I have chosen a warrior’s costume and a gown for other occasions but notice that in both costume photos the heroine carries a sword!  The costumes are designed from costumes that Eowyn was photographed in on the internet.  The warrior’s costume is of heavy fabric with patches of leather to ward off a sword.  She wears leather boots and leather gloves as well.

Now the story is a bit difficult.  It’s supposed to reflect my battles I think and I had a hard time starting it.  I also chose the name Owen to be the evil character.  So in the story I will be battling Owen.  I forced myself to start the story.  I didn’t get very far but the starting was the important part.  I think that I fear writing it because I’m not sure of the end of the story!  I will have to wait and see.

Well after challenging myself and thinking more about my fear, I finally have figured out why I couldn’t write.  It was my fear for my abuser.  It was like I was inviting him to rape me by writing about being attacked by evil.  I am writing a book but the main person’s name is not Miriam.  In the story for my counselor I am using the name Miriam.  It made it all vividly personal.  What I was writing was happening to me.  Or that’s the way it felt.  So the fear was that my abuser would rape me.  Initially I rated this fear as 6/10.  But belief that he was going to rape me had to be 0/10 because the positive counter statement was that he was not here!  Not even in the same city!  Belief in this counter statement was 10/10.  Then my initial fear fell to 5/10 and the relief I felt was 4/10.  This fear is still new and vivid in my mind.  Analyzing the fear and rating it made me be able to identify the fear and face it more readily.  Then I was able to write.

So in the story Owen the evil half demon just touches me and I wake up.  I am frozen in fear.  I cannot speak or move.  I have sometimes had night terror like this so I could write from experience.  Now I have to figure out what to do in the moment.  I remember someone commenting and helping me with this but have forgotten what they said.  I have to ask my counselor if there is a way to stop the terror.  She is away for a week so I have a week and a half to write my story.  I am sure that I will be able to write more now.  I have faced my fear I think.  Only time will tell.

Enjoy!  Until next time!

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