Miriam speaks of her vacation at her mothers! Stressful yet peaceful. Slowly she heals.
I went to see my mother. It’s blueberry picking time! I was anxious about going. My fear about going I rated as 6/10 and 4/10 just thinking about it. I feared that bad people were going to identify me and follow me and identify my mother. Then they would hurt her to control me! Belief in this thought was a 5/10. Belief in the positive rational counter statement that bad people aren’t interested in me was 6/10. Rerating of the initial fear was a 4/10 and relief was a 6/10. I haven’t exposed myself to this fear and therefore it was very stressful. But this was all just thinking about going. When I actually went, I was numb in the car. My daughter drove. The trip was uneventful except for when we stopped for gas. Then I got very anxious because there were a lot of people around.
But a couple of days before going I had to call the crisis center. My counselor was on holidays. I was extremely anxious about going to my mothers and that I had had a reaction to the increase in my medication. The lady at the crisis center helped and I was able to calm down. That day I just watched television. I was too anxious to read or to paint. I think that subconsciously I was working up the courage to go to my mothers. Also I had to deal with the fact that my medication can harm me as well as help me. That was hard. I was nauseous and dizzy with the increase in my meds.
I had hurt my mother by not seeing her at Christmas. I had to make amends because my daughter said that she was very worried and stressed that she hadn’t seen me. It felt like it was too soon. That I was forcing myself to do something that I wasn’t ready for. On the other hand it was a good time to test if bad people were after her. I was very observant during the whole trip. No one paid particular attention to us. I didn’t go blueberry picking but my daughter did. Maybe I’ll have the courage to do that next year. It was good seeing my mother. She did try to speculate about my illness but she doesn’t know everything and I can’t tell her so her speculations although accurate were not the whole picture.
I did continue to walk for half an hour a day. This was a major change. I have to get healthy again. I am nurturing myself. The fear of walking was about a 4/10 with a belief that bad people were going to identify me being a 5/10. Belief in the positive rational counter statement that they aren’t interested in me was a 5/10. Rerating of the fear then was a 4/10 with relief being a 5/10. I was pretty anxious but forcing myself to walk.
The trip home was uneventful as well. I was also sort of numb. I had to go through it to get home.
I was tired when I got home. I spoiled myself with a film called The Future of the Furious. It’s the new Fast and the Furious film with Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham. Quite a good film with a new twist that I just loved. So I was on vacation mode for the rest of yesterday.
I realize now that the way I cope with major stress is to watch television. I have been doing this for years. I made sure to have my cup of tea too. That is new. But for years I have come home and watched television to calm my fears.
All in all it was a good trip. Until next time…