I took a moment today to be calm and relax. This is the view of the lake from my car. I had a mocha latte which is my reward for facing my fears.
I have been caught up in the bustle of every day errands. Groceries and such. And I’ve had anxiety. So I listened to my subconscious and thought what am I anxious about. What’s making my subconscious make me anxious. It was fear. Fear of my abuser. He doesn’t know that I know that he raped me. But he probably knows that I’ve been mentally ill. You see his family has ties to friends of my mother’s. However I am not friends with them. So no one of my mother’s friends knows the reason for my mental illness. So I am relatively safe. But my fear now is what if he finds out? Will he try to harm me or my family? I have to be careful on Facebook I think. I phoned the police. I have to go in physically and talk to an officer. I’m going to do that soon. I have talked to an officer on the phone but he didn’t file a report. I want it on record what my abuser did to me. So I have to go in.
It took all of my courage to call the police on the phone. Now, to protect myself and those I love, I have to go in physically. I’m not as scared as I was to call. So that’s a plus.
I have also been searching for a psychologist for therapy. My benefits cover it luckily. But it’s been hard going. Some aren’t taking new patients. I finally got through to one group of psychologists but I think that there is going to be a waiting list. So we’ll see when I get an appointment.
All of this has been working in the back of my mind as I do errands and take care of myself. I am exhausted but staying positive. I took a moment today to reward myself. Nature helped me recharge my batteries as it often does. I just sat and looked over the lake. Sipping my mocha latte. I am walking at home now so I don’t get a view of the lake or the time to gaze over it. I need that. I’ve been missing that. I instinctively knew that I needed something today so I took a moment. Bought the mocha latte and went to the lake.
Take a moment. Reward yourself for your hard work facing your anxiety. Facing and surviving your illness. Take a moment and spoil yourself! Always keep fighting!