Kitten Eye Pastel Painting.

kitten WPress 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Kitten Eye pastel painting.  This painting was done at a time of relative calm.  The eye was the focus.

The blue purple of the eye with it’s reflection immediately draws the eye of the viewer.  The reflection is contrasted beautifully by the dark purple of the eye.  The blue of the eye contrasts well with the dark purple and the black shadow.   The blue grey background is reflected in the eye as well.  The fur is secondary in the painting although the cute kitten nose attracts the eye as well.

I finished this painting earlier in the week during a time of relative calm.  I was beginning to realize that many of my fears were in my mind.  It was my mind making them real and a threat.  On Thursday however I had a difficult day but I had just finished most of this painting.  It was doubly difficult because I did not have art to fall back on as a coping mechanism since I hadn’t started anything new!  I was at a loss.

The technique of the eye was challenging in this painting.  It even has a reflection of a cat in a window!  Luckily the eye was large enough that I could get that detail in.  The fur could have been done better.  I have just realized that if I put down a lighter color then add the darker fur color on top then it has more depth.  The shadows of the nose could have been blended more but the shadow had to be defined too.  The background was too blue and I had to add grey to make it look better.  This is the last of close up eyes for a while.  I wanted to develop my technique.  Now it’s time to move on.

As usual this painting is smaller since it is only of the eye.  It would be considered a pet portrait.  To order use the 8×10″ print and comment in the comments that you wish the Kitten Eye painting.

Enjoy!

Name Your Fear.

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Miriam takes the time to write about her healing journey.  I talked to someone important and found out something new.  I created a Name Your Fear form.  I am slowly going forward.  Heal my friend heal.

I finally broke down and talked to my mother about my childhood.  I just told her that I had had a dream about that time.  I didn’t say whether it was a bad or a good dream.  It helped me to figure out what age I was when I had my bad experience.  I was only 1 1/2 years old.  I cry.  My soul cries.  My spirit writhes in anguish.  How could my babysitter do that!  Heal my friend heal.

I spoke to my counselor today.  She calmed me down.  One reaction of someone else was is it credible then if you were only 1 1/2 years old.  I have the memories.  It is real.  My counselor calmed me down.  She helped me think of sudoko, adult coloring books and mindfulness.  She also said that we would discuss more on Tuesday about the legal aspect of filing a third party report.  It doesn’t mean that we will go to court.  But it will be on record!

I have another dimension that I am dealing with.  It is my anxiety.  I have created a form called Name Your Fear.  On it you can list your fear and rate it from 0 to 10 and then there is a column that asks Is It Real?.  Here is a copy.

Name Your Fear short

The most important column is “Is It Real?”.  You can answer Yes or No.  No one in my long history of my illness has sat me down with a form like this.  No one has talked to me about my fears specifically.  And I have been ill for a long time.  Trying to cope with my anxiety and live a normal life.  “Is It Real?”.  Test your fear if it is safe to do so.  Is it real?  Ask yourself.  Open yourself up to the fact that it may not be real and that your anxiety exists only in your mind!  I have tested one fear.  And I will test it over and over again.  I am working on another fear.  I am trying to stay tuned with reality and figure out how much of my anxiety is in my mind.  This form will help.  Heal my friend heal.

Again, writing this blog has helped.  Hopefully it can help you too.  That is why I share my healing journey with all of you.

Sorry for the rant.  I am in a state of flux.  Of self discovery.  Of sadness.  Of mourning a childhood lost.  Until next time…

Win Canada Geese and Sunset painting!

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Miriam’s Art is pleased to announce that you have voted for the Canada Geese and Sunset watercolor painting!  Win it on June 21 by liking, commenting or subscribing to my email list on Miriam’s Art Blog or www.miriamsart.com.  Enter now!  The winner will get the framed and matted Canada Geese and Sunset watercolor painting with free delivery.  Delivery by UPS.  Enter now!

Red Panda Eyes Pastel Painting

red panda eyes 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Red Panda Eyes pastel painting.  It is part of my Red Panda Series.  I painted this on a day of relative calm.

The eye is drawn to the reflections in the red panda’s eyes.  They dominate the painting.  The black surrounding the eyes contrasts well with the reflections.  The white of the nose is in the foreground.  The brown and red fur of the forehead is in the background.  The whiskers of the red panda contrast well with the fur and add another dimension.

I was calm when I painted.  This is one of my better paintings.  The old touch is back.  I had lost it for a while.  My inner demons are quiet.

I painted this painting on black 98 lb Canson paper for the contrast between the fur and the background.  Also fo the contrast around the eyes and in the nose.  It looks quite good.

This is a small 5.5 x 7″ painting that will be matted to a 12 x 18″ frame.  So the pricing is the same as for an 8 x 10″ print framed.  Please leave a comment that you wish to purchase the Red Panda Eyes pastel painting.  Enjoy!

Win Canada Geese and Sunset painting!

canada geese n sunset WPress 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to announce that you have voted for the Canada Geese and Sunset watercolor painting!  Win it on June 21 by liking, commenting or subscribing to my email list on Miriam’s Art Blog or www.miriamsart.com.  Enter now!  The winner will get the framed and matted Canada Geese and Sunset watercolor painting with free delivery.  Delivery by UPS.  Enter now!

My healing journey…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I have had a major breakthrough in my awareness of all that’s around me.  I am also assessing the damage of my abuse as a child.

It is so hard to write the word abuse.  It’s something that I try to hide from.  I have shame.  I feel dirty.  Yet what my babysitter did to me was not my fault!  I think that that was the hardest realization and the most freeing realization.  It wasn’t my fault.

I am mentally ill because I was abused as a child.  I am on disability.  I am not able to work.  I fear for my life.  That is how deep the anxiety goes!  My major breakthrough is that my fears may not be real.  What I have feared and the signs I had along the way to encourage the way I feel may just have been coincidence.  This is a major break through!  But how do you test it when even the ones you love might be in danger?!  You test it alone.  Without them being involved.

Today I went out and against all my instincts of self preservation, I went straight to the store and picked up some things.  I was testing if I was being followed.  I wore sunglasses just in case.  People seemed normal.  There was no obvious person that was following me or watching me.  Whew!  So when I got home I filled out my fear ladder.  And rated my fear as well as the event of going out.  You can read more about the fear ladder in this post.  So my fear is about an 8/10 with ten being the worst fear I can imagine.  It went well but was too short for me to be sure.  In addition I have to repeat going out like this more than once to be more sure that I am not being followed.  My psychiatrists response was to increase my medication dose and he had no comments on how to help me to know if my fears were real.  I have to rely on the Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Bourne.  It seems alright but to protect the ones I love I still have to be careful.

On another note I am also assessing the damage of my abuse.  There I said the word.  It’s a word people cringe from.  Forgive me.  The most damage has been in my self-esteem, my feelings and my body.  I have low self-esteem, I am numb and find it hard to cry, and I am overweight.  I have problems nurturing myself.  What I found interesting was that my sexuality has not been affected although I tend to be attracted to manipulators and men who don’t respect me.  I am also too obedient towards my lover and allow him to take over my personality.  Recently my family relations have suffered greatly from my mental illness.  I am extremely sad about this.  Hopefully they will respect me and allow me to heal at my own pace.  It is slow and painful and takes all of my courage.  I am using the book The Courage to Heal Workbook by Davis.

I have to wait until next week to talk with the professional about filing a police report.  We’ll be talking on Tuesday.  Then I think that I will make a report so that it’s on record what that babysitter did but also to protect myself.  What if after all these years he finds out that I know?!  What could or would he do!  Therein lies another fear.  For myself and my loved ones.

In addition I have decided to ask my mother about dates when the babysitter was taking care of me.  I won’t tell her about the abuse.  I’ll just say that I’ve been having bad dreams.  My mother is too old and fragile.  I don’t want to bother her about this!

Major changes.  Major hurdles.  All requiring courage.  The courage to heal.  I thank God for my counselor and the two books that I am reading.  The healing journey is a difficult one.  Hopefully this post has helped someone.  It had really helped me to heal.  Thank you.  I am posting Tuesdays now instead of Mondays.  Mondays are just too busy for me.  Until next time…

Vote which nature design you would like to win on the summer solstice!

solstice

Please vote A) Canada Geese in Sunset or B) Snow Leopard Eye.  You have the chance to win one of these two paintings on June 21, the summer solstice!  Just like or comment which on you would like.  If it’s Canada Geese in Sunset then just like.  If it’s Snow Leopard Eye then comment.  Free framing and free delivery.  Please enter the contest now!

Cougar Eye Pastel Painting.

cougar eye 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Cougar Eye pastel painting.  I painted this on days of relative calm.  It was a joy!

The green of the cougar eye attracts the viewer immediately.  It draws the viewers eye to it.  The white fur around the eye contrasts well with the green.  The brown and white fur of the cougar make up the rest of the painting.

I painted this on days of relative calm.  I was free of all demons.

The eye was relatively easy to paint.  The white and black line add well to the reflection in the eye.  The fur was more difficult.  I spent a lot of time on it.  It worked out well.  The contrasting color had to be laid down last.  It was a lot of work.

This is a 12×18″ painting and available for purchase.  Please see the Shop and Portfolio section.  Enjoy!

 

Vote which nature design you would like to win on the summer solstice!

solstice

Please vote A) Canada Geese in Sunset or B) Snow Leopard Eye.  You have the chance to win one of these two paintings on June 21, the summer solstice!  Just like or comment which on you would like.  If it’s Canada Geese in Sunset then just like.  If it’s Snow Leopard Eye then comment.  Free framing and free delivery.  Please enter the contest now!

My healing journey…

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Miriam shares about her healing journey.  There is calm.  I new breakthrough.  Some of my fears have all been in my mind.  Not real.  I think?

Today has been a day of calm yet with a little bit of anxiety.  I am calm.  I painted without too many distractions.  It was quiet.  So much so that it worries me.  Go figure…

A major breakthrough.  If it’s true.  So there is calm as my mind adjusts to this new reality.  I thought that I had proof about something.  But it may have all been just chance.  Maybe it was random and didn’t prove anything.  This is mind blowing.  If so then I am not in as much danger as I thought I was in.  I am safe.  But I have to be careful.  I have to be sure.  The only way to do this is to relax a little and be very observant and cautious.  So I have relaxed.  And it is quiet.  The new demons have been quiet.  The demons of the past have been almost as quiet.  When I sit still with nothing to do, my mind wanders and the demons are present.  If I am busy they are not as present.  I guess that means that I should just keep busy.  But that too is avoidance in a way.  I have to find the underlying reason for the demons.  One demon I am sure of.  I know exactly why it’s there.  The other demons I am not sure of.  So I relax and enjoy this day of relative calm.  I will be careful, cautious and observant.  Maybe it is true.  Maybe that part of my anxiety was all in my mind!  Wow!

Heal my friend heal.