My healing journey…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  It is winter now.  New everyday worries increasing her anxiety.  With courage, slowly she heals.

I had thought not to post today.  I feel that I haven’t had anything worth saying but then thought of all of my followers.  I am facing anxiety in a more conscious way now.  I read a book that touched me in a negative way.  My whole routine is in jeopardy.  My coping mechanisms are working but it takes all my courage to go out and walk.  My anxiety is so great.  On top of that winter has come.  It brings with it new worries.  Worries about snow tires, scraping the windshield (which I hate with a passion!) and warming the car.  Before it was driving that caused me some anxiety now it is winter!  Will the car start?  Do I have enough time to let it warm up?  Will the roads be slippery?  Is a snow storm coming?  Will I be caught in a storm?  It goes on and on.  So I do some mindfulness while I wait for my daughter as I am warming up the car.  Now for sure I have to be ready before her so that I have time to warm up the car.  I did this anyway but now I have to do it!  Thank you!  Just writing this down has made me laugh.  Thank you for being there.  It helps writing about it.

I am more conscious of my anxiety.  And what it does to me.  But with courage I face my fear and continue on.  I went for my walk today and afterwards bought myself a mocha latte.  That is my reward when I face my fear.  In addition I bought a cookie with my meager change.  The lady gave me two!  I sat in the mall and ate them as I drank my mocha latte.  I relaxed and looked around me.  Appreciating where I was.  Appreciating.  There was a spot set up for a Remembrance Day celebration.  I appreciated what soldiers, pilots and sailors have done for me.  I appreciated their commitment and service.  There is much to be thankful for.  Thank you for your service.  I took a moment.  Looked out beyond my fear and saw that the world was good.  It helped getting out today.  So I say thank you to myself.  Instead of blocking my fear and succumbing to it I went out and saw that the world was good.  Now I have to notice when I am blocking things out and start working on that.  Slowly I heal.

Photo by Samuel Scrimshaw on Unsplash

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Remembrance Day. Lest we forget!

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Miriam’s Art remembers our fallen heroes.  Men and women who fought bravely to protect us and our way of life.  Remember the we are free because of men and women soldiers, pilots and sailors who work in the Army, the Air Force and the Navy.  Remember that the peace that we have to go on in our daily lives comes because of soldiers, pilots and sailors who have dedicated themselves to protecting us and their country.  Remember that the simple act of going out to buy a loaf of bread in safety is due to courageous men and women in the Army, the Air Force and the Navy.  Thanks you to all soldiers, pilots and sailors, men and women alike who protect us and our freedom.  We can never repay you for your dedication and service.  Thank you!

Photo by laura goodsell on Unsplash

Blocking out thoughts and self-hate thoughts.

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Miriam speaks of blocking out thoughts and having self-hating thoughts.  Slowly she heals.

The way I have survived from my bad experience as I child was to block it out.  Apparently this is normal for abuse victims.  Some of them don’t think of what they are doing.  Lately I have been reading and using that to block out everything.  I just follow the story and read as if my life depends on it.  A way to heal from this is to become aware of when you block things out.  So I have made a form to help me.  That will be my job for the next weeks.  I will notice when I am blocking things out.

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One also has thoughts of self-hate.  This form will help me to become aware of times of self-hate and what I am thinking.

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I plan to use this form in the up and coming weeks.  Slowly I heal.

My healing journey…

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I have taken a step back and have to use my new acquired tools to heal.  Slowly I heal.

I read a book that brought back memories.  Bad memories.  The book was supposed to be a romance.  The book caused anxiety so I had an anxiety attack when I wanted to go walking.  I didn’t go walking that day but the next day I used positive counter statements to decrease the anxiety.  Then I succeeded in going walking.  So I thought of a positive statement that made the fear less real and less probable.  This statement increased my confidence and courage so much that I was able to go walking.  When I got home though I just read.  It was like I wanted to block out any thought.  My anxiety was so great.  So I didn’t paint or draw.  I just read for the rest of the week.  Therefore I have no art to show you today.

I am going to paint a small rat with a bunny for a baby’s change table.  I have to design it and then I’ll be painting it using acrylic paints.  I am going to be a grandmother for the first time.  Oh joy!  A new baby will arrive in December.  Such a miracle!  Such a joy!  My daughter has pet rats and wants her child to get used to rats so I will be painting a rat with a bunny on the change table doors.  It’s my next project.

Slowly I heal.

Cream Water Droplets Pastel Painting.

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Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Cream Water Droplets pastel painting.  This painting was a challenge but a joy once it was done.  I am fascinated by the way water droplets reflect light.  Enjoy!

Sorry I didn’t post on Saturday because I was having issues with my computer.  It’s fixed now though.  Also I’m avoiding healing right now.  I read a book that scared me.  I have to deal with that first.

The dark value of each cream water droplet draws the eye and the eye continues to be enticed by the reflected light on top of the droplets.  The blue lines of the dandelion seed on which some of the droplets rest or dangle is a nice contrast to the cream droplets and background.  The great number of droplets makes this painting interesting and attractive to the eye.

This painting was done with joy at first.  It was a relief to be painting simple spheres.  But then the shear number of spheres made it a challenge.  That’s when I became anxious.  I stopped using the picture as a guide in the end and only added value as I knew it should be added.  Then the painting became a joy.  This painting is different from my usual animal portraits and the change keeps me interested and on edge!  I was challenged and therefore sometimes stressed but as the painting progressed it was pure joy.

This painting is approx. 12×18″ and is available for purchase.  Go to my website   www.miriamsart.com and click on the “Shop” button and then on the “Portrait” button.  It is available framed or unframed.  Shipping internationally is easier if it isn’t framed.

Enjoy!

My Healing Journey.

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  She is distracted by family and her usual routine is disrupted in a good way.  Please forgive!  Slowly she heals.

I feel that I haven’t made much progress but I am slowly healing.  I am not reading The Courage to Heal unless I have to.  I talk to my counselor every second week and that’s when I read the book.  I’ll try to read some today.  In addition it is birthday month in my house.  Two of my daughters have birthdays in October which means people coming over and me going for a walk later than usual.  I had family over and it was alright.  Last year I was too anxious for people to come over.  I am better now.  Slowly I heal.

We also went walking later than I usually do.  I was tired and try to run errands and such in the morning.  We walked in the late afternoon.  That put me out of my comfort zone which was a good thing.  I survived although I was anxious about driving in traffic.  But it was enjoyable being with family.  It was enjoyable being in nature.  I actually relaxed enough to relate to my family and enjoy the companionship.  Although I was quiet.  I enjoyed listening to the banter.  Slowly I heal.

Take the time to go out in nature.  Take the time to notice the fall colors.  It is beautiful out there as nature takes a moment to pause before the extreme weather of winter.  Enjoy the beauty.  Get out in nature.  Do it!

Snow Leopard Day!

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It’s International Snow Leopard Day!  I take a moment to talk about the snow leopard who is endangered due to farming, subsequent hunting and habitat encroachment.  Please take time to think of the snow leopard.

The status of the snow leopard is not listed merely as vulnerable.  This is due to insufficient data about the numbers that exist in the wild.  Many researchers believe that they should still have endangered status.

For a recent article about the snow leopard see the post by The Jaguar.  For even more information about the snow leopard go to Snow Leopard Trust where they have general information and also sell wares from farmers to encourage living in harmony with the snow leopard.  Farmers are encourage to make money buy selling their wool rather than killing snow leopards illegally.  You can buy their wares at this shop.  You can donate to help research about snow leopards at this link or you can even adopt a snow leopard.

I have adopted a snow leopard and my money went towards research to understand them better to protect them better.  The snow leopard is my totem animal.  It is something that I feel a strong kinship with.  I have even designed a symbol for the snow leopard.

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It is a snow leopard in a Celtic design.  The snow leopard inspires awe in me.  It is such a powerful and magnificent creature.  A smart and cunning hunter.  With a wild beauty.  An magnificent animal that is worth protecting.  Enjoy!

Cream Water Droplet WIP.

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Miriam’s Art is pleased to share her Cream Water Droplet Work In Progress pastel painting.  She is painting less.  Is this a good sign?  Slowly she heals.

This is a complicated water droplet painting.  It has many water droplets in focus and then the background has even more blurred.  The technique of blurring them will be interesting.  There is a slight blue hue to the main water droplet as you can see.  Hopefully there is not too many droplets in this one.  I’ll see.

This painting was started at a time of low anxiety.  It is a time of joy!  I am walking more so I have less time to paint.  The weather is beautiful and nature has always been a source of joy.  In addition I am reading more.  I enjoy romances.  All of this combined means that I am painting less.  This may signify that I don’t need to paint as much.  My anxiety is so much less now.  The painting however still soothes my soul.  I am doing more in my home and getting out more.  For example there is an Author Meet and Greet at my library today that I am going to.  I am actually going to mingle with the public!  With people that I don’t know.  Wish me luck!  Slowly I heal.

Pearls of Wisdom.

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Miriam reflects on her own personal pearls of wisdom.  Sometimes the intimate stuff should remain with you and not be shared.  These are called pearls of wisdom.  That only you know about.  Slowly I heal.

I was faced with the dilemma of how much to tell a friend about my illness.  My counselor recommended that I keep the pearls of wisdom to myself.  It was enough that my friend know that I had been abused and that I had anxiety but the rest I could keep to myself.  She didn’t have to know the nitty-gritty details.  Those I could keep to myself.  It’s the same with this blog.  I have to remember that I have pearls of wisdom that I should keep to myself.  But some things I have shared already.  It is also possible to post about things in general.  Like how it takes courage to face your anxiety.  You don’t have to go into all the details.  But I do try to be honest in my writing.  And it has helped to share.  Thank you for being there.  xx  🙂

#ME TOO

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You may well ask what #ME TOO means.  It’s breaking the silence about sexual abuse and showing you that it’s more prevalent than you think.  An American film producer has been exposed as having abused women.  He’s not the first celebrity in the news who has done this.  People are posting #ME TOO on social media to show that they too have been sexually abused.  Sexual abuse is more prevalent than you think.  Instead of saying that women are raped one should say that men rape women.  Put emphasis on the culprit rather than the victim.  However even women can be sexual abusers.

But enough of my rant.  Back to my healing journey.

I have had great anxiety in my life.  In 2013 it became a lot worse.  My fight or flight mechanism is totally out of whack because of the fear I felt when I was a child and was abused.  My fear was that great.  Now my body has decided that I need to heal from that and I had blocked it all out for a long time.  I realize now that my abuser must have threatened me for me to fear so much.  I even feared for my loved ones. So my abuser might have threatened them too.  It’s terrible what abuse does to an individual.  Years, no decades later a problem arises.  Be kind to one another.  How can I say that and get people to do it?  Don’t force people and don’t harm them.  Walk in harmony with your fellow man.  Peace.