Kitten Pastel Painting.

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Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Kitten pastel painting.  It was painted at a time of extreme anxiety.  Slowly I heal.

The white reflection in the kitten’s black eyes immediately draws the viewers attention.  The bright white, beige and yellow fur draw the eye in further.  The cute pink button nose also attracts the eye.  The silhouetted computer screen and kitten’s body are in the background.

I speak of love today.  The love of God and a good dominant lover.  They both protect me from evil.  The Evil One is dead and in hell but still attacks people in my mind.  It is my belief in God and in the good that keeps me stable and decreases my fear.

I spoke to my daughter and my last post upset her.  She fears that my delusions are taking over my life again.  The fantasies calmed down after I had talked to her.  I talked to my psychiatrist and he said to wait until I talk to my psychologist.  I have a meeting tomorrow.  The problem is that I am maxed out on my medication and I’d have to completely change my medication to increase my dose, which might make things worse.  My psychiatrist said if things got really bad to come in immediately.  But my fantasies have calmed down and are not as in control of my life.  Miriam is in control.

I started reading The Red Book by C. G. Jung.  It talked of his fantasies and how he spoke to his fantasies.  My psychologist recommended it to me.  Jung spoke to his fantasies throughout his career and that is how he developed modern day thought on dream archetypes.  He is a great psychologist and had fantasies just like me.  So I am not strange or that ill.  It has happened to other people.  I am still reading the book and trying to communicate with my subconscious.

My psychiatrist said that stress may be affecting my paranoia.  My daughter is moving out, my roof needs to be fixed and we had a death in the family.  However, I am also trying to connect with my subconscious.  She is calm I think but my fantasies are under a lot of stress.  I’m not sure what is causing the stress.  I will keep you posted.  Slowly I heal.

This painting was a challenge.  It is the first time that I paint the shadow of something on black paper.  The shadow of the computer and the kitten’s body came out quite well.  I painted it, rendered it and then erased to leave a smudge of pastel.  It worked out quite well I think.

Enjoy!

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My healing journey…

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Slowly I heal.  My mind is in a turmoil.  I struggle to figure out why.  Slowly I heal.

My mother asked me a good question yesterday.  Why am I mentally ill and will knowing why help me to heal?  This is a very good question.  Recently I have been trying to communicate with my subconscious but my inner fantasies have been a lot worse.  Why is this?  There is a new group of men who are my lovers and dominate me.  But there is one lover who is almost evil now.  We are all struggling to save him.  There is another very bad man after me.  All this because I am a Diva of love.  My subconscious was at peace the other day although I was struggling.  Today I don’t know.  So my subconscious is being helped by a dominant lover.  She knows this now.  Yet my inner fantasies are at war and in a turmoil.  Strange that my subconscious is at peace.

My subconscious is content that I now know that I have been raped.  My inner fantasies, however, are in an uproar.  Why is this?  One of the lovers desperately wants to have children.  I think that he is fearing death and wants to ensure that his genetic line survives.  So the Evil One is calm yet there is turmoil.  The one causing all of this turmoil is the lover that we are trying to save.  He fears death.  And attacks even his best friends and children.  Evil is in his mind and controls him.  How do I help him?  I trust in the good and God to help him.  But he isn’t getting better.  Something needs to be said.  God, please help!  Now I pray.  Slowly I heal.

photo credit:  Alexandre Goudreau on Unsplash.

 

A walk in nature…slowly I heal.

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I took a walk this morning.  Even though I was troubled by my inner voices.  I trusted God.  Slowly I heal.

I have to step outside of myself and heal.  I walked and feared that someone I trusted, an inner voice, would not be able to resist the temptation to harm me.  I faced this fear with God’s help.  Slowly I heal.  The walk was uneventful and God and I helped the friend control his temptations.  Slowly I heal.  It was good to get out and do something different.  I fear that I will be too enclosed and be talking to myself when my children leave.  I may be living alone soon.  But I will resist and get out more.  I have to look up an old friend.  I went to church on Sunday.  Met the priest at the church picnic.  It was nice and good to get out.  Slowly I heal.

If you are suffering from a mental illness, I recommend that you get out more.  Even if it’s just a walk in nature.  It will change your mood and produce endorphins that will make you happy.  It is relaxing.  Perhaps think of God as you do it.  If you need strength to face a fear to walk outside in nature, ask God or a good friend for help.

Enjoy!

 

My healing journey…

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Slowly I heal.  My subconscious is healing.  Enjoy!

I have been talking with my subconscious.  It still fears things.  One big thing is that I am going to talk to my mother about what happened.  It fears this.  But to heal I have to do it.  I love parts of my subconscious.  I am not proud of other parts.  Slowly we all heal I hope.

Never stop fighting…

 

photo credit:  Glen Carstens Peters on Unsplash

Staying calm and dealing with inner demons…

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I have been distracted lately.  Dealing with my debt and dealing with increased anxiety.  I have calmed down.  Slowly I heal.

I postponed my meeting on Monday because I was stuck in the driveway.  The ice storm was over but the snow was hard and icy.  Finally, I went out on Tuesday and almost got stuck.  I babysat my grandson and on the way home my inner demons surfaced.  I shovelled what the plough had left for me when I arrived at home and then I quickly went in.  I learned not to pay too much attention to my inner demons.  Talking to them for too long made it worse!  It’s my subconscious trying to tell me things.  My subconscious is more frightened than my conscious mind.  I have used positive counterstatements to help my conscious mind.  Now I remember that I have to use positive counterstatements when going out.  To say them as I deal with daily errands.  I had an appointment yesterday and was relatively calm about it.  I even picked up some groceries.  Then I exercised in the afternoon.  This helped a lot.  Today I ran some errands.  I am trying to do more in the afternoon.  The winter has made me so ingrained in my morning routine that I am tired by the afternoon and don’t want to do much.  I’m trying to do more in the afternoon.  Slowly I heal.

Today I plan to paint and go for a walk in the afternoon.  I picked up a delivery at the post office!  I have no idea what it is!  I have something to look forward to.  Luckily I don’t have to shovel today.  I pray that all the snow will melt.

I am staying calm and not talking to my inner demons too much.  But I am making my subconscious aware that we are safe.  That no one is after us.  No one is interested in us.  It’s been over 50 years!  I look forward to talking to my psychologist.  I have made a list of questions for him as well as a list of what my subconscious is trying to tell me.  I have a second psychologist that I have to phone today.  Note to self!  By staying calm and rational, I face my fears and my inner demons.  Slowly I heal.

 

Moving forward…

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I have seen my psychologist.  It went OK but now he wants me to do something that I’ve been dreading.  I struggle with my debt and put my business on hold.  I’ll be painting soon I hope!  Enjoy your week!

I was very distracted before going to see my psychologist.  My subconscious was more afraid than usual.  I am fearing the one who did me wrong when I was a child…my babysitter.  My subconscious is happy that I’m going to see a psychologist but I am stressed and distracted.  I am not happy.  I was warned, I think, not to say anything and now it’s stressful when I think of what I’ll say.  I’ll be honest and tell him all.  A lot of my anxiety stems from my babysitter finding me.

It has been so stressful that I haven’t painted.  I will today though.  The stress has passed since I saw my psychologist yesterday.  He was a very nice man.  Easy to talk to.  We just talked generally about my mental illness and about who I am.  He said that it was important that I talk to my mother about this.  I was hoping to spare her.  But he’s right.  Only she will know some things.  She doesn’t know anything about why I am mentally ill.  I’ve tried to keep that pain from her.  My psychologist suggested that I write down questions that I’ll ask her.  I’ve started doing that with the help of one daughter.  I really am not looking forward to this.  But you see my father and older brother have passed.  They would be the only other people I could have talked to.  So that leaves my mother.  She’s 80 years old for goodness sake.  I really don’t want to bother her with this.  But I must.

I am starting to save money.  I’ve put my art business on hold and will still be painting but I won’t be spending money on it like I used to.  I have to decrease my debt.  Specifically my credit card debt!  It’s so hard saying no.  My business has been very important to me!  But slowly I’ll pay off my credit cards.  Then I’ll be able to spend freely again.  But not with my credit cards!  Duh!  I am paying off the card with the least amount on it first.  Putting all of my money on to one card and doing minimum payments with the rest.  But be careful if you are over the limit on your credit card, you have to pay that off too or all of a sudden you’ll have a huge bill.

I will be painting a cougar cub next.  My inspiration is my grandson Erik.  I babysat him yesterday.  Apparently, he can roll onto his front now and he’s talking a mile a minute.  Not with words, but with sounds.  And he’s such a happy baby except that he’s teething.  He is a joy to watch.  And a reason for me to heal.  Never stop fighting!

Enjoy your week.  Know that I welcome your comments.  Others who read my blog do too.  You can help others by commenting and giving examples of how you are coping…maybe with credit card debt.  Enjoy!

Mental illness and credit card debt.

I take the time to talk about my mental illness and about my credit card debt that is high due to my mental illness.  I am aware of my debt now and that I have to pay it back.  Slowly I heal.

I have heard others say that they used their credit cards on the “good” days.  Perhaps they used them too much like I have.  I have spent thousands of dollars.  Once for a course because I thought that I deserved it.  Often for clothes to make me look pretty because I thought that I deserved it.  And I speak now in the hopes of helping others out there who are doing the same thing.  You have to pay that money back.  Everything is not going to be OK as I thought when I spent money that I didn’t have.  You have to pay that money back.  I have spent the week trying to get help with my debt.  Finally, the wheel is in motion to do just that.  And I have given my credit cards to my daughter.  She is not to give them to me for any reason!  I’ve tried putting them away before but I would always pull them out and use them.  Now they are away and I am starting to pay off my debt!  Don’t use your credit cards if you are mentally ill.  Don’t run up debt!  You have to pay that money back.

I haven’t posted my art today.  I haven’t painted.  I have been too busy dealing with my debt and with choosing a psychologist.  When I have anxiety it is hard for me to deal with multiple things.  Two things are about my maximum that I can worry about.  And I shut down.  I don’t read.  I don’t do much.  I just watch television.  I don’t know why.

My subconscious wants me to know things.  I am learning things slowly.  My psychologist, my therapist, will help me with this.  But it is bothering me and making me anxious.  My anxiety stems from the fear that someone who has done bad to me will find me!  So I am anxious about many things.

But it’s positive that I have a psychologist appointment.  I also have another psychologist that I will go see so that I have a choice for a psychologist and am not limited to one.

Slowly I heal.  Remember, you have to pay back your credit card debt!

Never stop fighting!

Took a moment…

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I took a moment today to be calm and relax.  This is the view of the lake from my car.  I had a mocha latte which is my reward for facing my fears.

I have been caught up in the bustle of every day errands.  Groceries and such.  And I’ve had anxiety.  So I listened to my subconscious and thought what am I anxious about.  What’s making my subconscious make me anxious.  It was fear.  Fear of my abuser.  He doesn’t know that I know that he raped me.  But he probably knows that I’ve been mentally ill.  You see his family has ties to friends of my mother’s.  However I am not friends with them.  So no one of my mother’s friends knows the reason for my mental illness.  So I am relatively safe.  But my fear now is what if he finds out?  Will he try to harm me or my family?  I have to be careful on Facebook I think.  I phoned the police.  I have to go in physically and talk to an officer.  I’m going to do that soon.  I have talked to an officer on the phone but he didn’t file a report.  I want it on record what my abuser did to me.  So I have to go in.

It took all of my courage to call the police on the phone.  Now, to protect myself and those I love, I have to go in physically.  I’m not as scared as I was to call.  So that’s a plus.

I have also been searching for a psychologist for therapy.  My benefits cover it luckily.  But it’s been hard going.  Some aren’t taking new patients.  I finally got through to one group of psychologists but I think that there is going to be a waiting list.  So we’ll see when I get an appointment.

All of this has been working in the back of my mind as I do errands and take care of myself.  I am exhausted but staying positive.  I took a moment today to reward myself.  Nature helped me recharge my batteries as it often does.  I just sat and looked over the lake.  Sipping my mocha latte.  I am walking at home now so I don’t get a view of the lake or the time to gaze over it.  I need that.  I’ve been missing that.  I instinctively knew that I needed something today so I took a moment.  Bought the mocha latte and went to the lake.

Take a moment.  Reward yourself for your hard work facing your anxiety.  Facing and surviving your illness.  Take a moment and spoil yourself!  Always keep fighting!

Canoe in Mist on Lake WIP.

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Miriam’s Art is sharing her Canoe in Mist on Lake WIP pastel painting.  It soothed her troubled mind to paint this painting.  She has a special technique for the black silhouette of the canoe.  Enjoy!

The black silhouette of the canoe catches the viewers eye immediately.  The yellow of the mist is not developed yet.  The black silhouette of the trees has been established.  The reflection on the water is yet to be done.

I am in a state of anxiety about seeing a psychologist.  I know that we will cover topics that will be difficult for me and my subconscious is making me aware of these topics.  Painting helped to still my mind.

I have also felt a little bit of anxiety about my art.  Art is a reflection of your passion.  Water inspires me and I have passion for a still lake.  I had thought that waves interested me.  Although they are beautiful, I am not passionate about them.  It took a discussion with my youngest daughter who is wise beyond her years to realize that I should paint my passion.  I am also passionate about animals, water droplets, flowers and about mothers and young, human or animal.  I plan to develop my passion in these subject areas further.

A used a special Rembrandt black pastel for the silhouette of the boat.  It is much darker than the regular pastel black.  The mist is in place.  Now I have to play around with it to make it believable.  The sun spot will be a challenge to do.

I was dealing with this anxiety about the psychologist and therefore didn’t post this week.  Forgive me.  My health comes first.

Enjoy!

A healthy relationship.

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A healthy relationship is built on trust, respect and communication.  Slowly I heal.

This week and in the past weeks I have been working on setting boundaries, saying no, and what a healthy relationship is.  I found out at my drop-in center that I am a passive passive communicator.  I tend to avoid confrontation and put other’s needs before me.  There is hope as you can see in this article called 9 signs of passive behavior.  I tried to be more assertive with disastrous results.  I came across all wrong and got mad when I would have liked to educate instead of argue.  I had practiced saying no but then lost the argument when I said something negative afterwards.  It ended up in an argument.  Also the person is so used to me saying yes, that no was difficult for them to understand.  That’s part of the reason it ended up in an argument.  I will try to be more assertive in the future.  But I will use baby steps in saying no.  I will start with small “no”s and see how it goes.  Also if someone mocks me, I will try to say something right away.  I have my own struggles at home even though others may not see them.

Another thing that came up in the drop-in session was setting boundaries.  That’s part of saying no.  Establishing boundaries can be stressful and difficult but important in any relationship.  Be it with a partner, a family member or a friend.  Here is an article called 10 ways to build and preserve boundaries.  In it they discuss important points such as naming your limits, tuning into your feelings, being direct, giving yourself permission to set boundaries, practicing self-awareness, considering your past and present, making self-care a priority, seeking support, being assertive and starting small.  Give yourself permission to set boundaries.  If you feel uncomfortable chances are a boundary is being challenged.  Seek support in counseling for setting your boundaries and being assertive.  Be assertive in a respectful way.  And remember to start small.  This will build your confidence for those bigger boundaries.

We can think of boundaries protecting us and they form a circle around us.  In the center is you who needs privacy, an identity and has rights and choices.  In the next circle close to you are people of emotional closeness to you.  There is comfort, respect, flexibility, shared values, dependability,  balance, non-judgemental, sharing by choice, predictability, and unconditional love.  In a third outer circle are friends.  There is limited emotional closeness, shared interests, information exchange, mutual friendship, and camaraderie.  In the outer circle are people with no emotional closeness, strangers, acquaintances, people you choose to keep at arm’s length.

This is a work in progress for me.  And very difficult.  It tires me greatly to say no and to stand up for myself.  I had to stop and summarize in this blog what being passive and the need to be assertive meant to me.  Thank you for being there.  It really helped to write this blog.   Remember, when communicating, it’s what the right answer is for the situation and not who is right! 🙂