I’ve been busy and my healing journey.

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I have been very busy and it’s all been a bit too much.  So I missed my post yesterday.  But slowly I heal.

It’s been three days of anxiety because I have had appointments and it’s been my birthday.  First I went out with a friend, then I had people come over, then my daughter had a dentist appointment and today I have a doctor’s appointment.  All stressful and anxiety builders.  My way to cope is to block everything out, do what I have to do, stay calm and just get it done and get home.  My safe place is home.  But now at home all I am doing is reading.  My anxiety is so high that I can’t concentrate on anything else.  And I don’t do anything else but read.  It would be good to do some mindfulness I think.  So I’ll try this afternoon.  Maybe I’ll stop blocking then and try to heal.  It’s just been too much.

But slowly I heal.  I have less anxiety about going out or having people over.  I use positive counter statements to help.  And now I believe in the positive counter statements more than my fears which is good.  Slowly I heal.

An afternoon treat…my healing journey.

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Miriam now speaks of her day.  A day of healing.

I went out with a good friend today…I can say my best friend now.  We haven’t seen each other since before Christmas.  It took all my courage to face my anxiety and fears and just do it!  It was a gift to myself.  I was sort of numb inside but I did it.  And nothing bad happened!  We were alright and spent an enjoyable lunch together.

I had been painting for my daughters and thought of her often because I had promised to paint a portrait of her dog.  She had four paintings/drawings to choose from and chose two pastels.  One was with the old technique I use and one was with a new paper and therefore a new technique.  I was surprised she liked the new technique but she said it had a softer quality to it.  It was done with U-art paper.  So thinking of her I finished all the portraits and invited her out for lunch.  She treated me too but that’s another story.

The important thing is that I faced another fear today with courage.  I am slowly digging deep and realizing that yes I do have courage.  My counselor told me to make a paper mache mask of a warrior.  Which I am doing now.  It had to dry.  Now I’m ready to paint it.  I’ll paint gems on it too!

Until next time…

Courage and Mindfulness.

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Today Miriam talks of her meeting with her counselor.  They talked of courage and women that were heroes.  Miriam also started doing mindfulness sessions again.

My counselor and I talked of heroes.  I don’t know many heroes.  I thought of movie characters like Eowyn of Lord of the Rings or Laura Croft of Tomb Raiders.  Then I tried to think of other heroes.  One was Madame Cure because she won a Nobel Peace Prize.  Then I thought of Mahala the Afghan young women that stood up for education of women and was shot by the Taliban in her own country.  My counselor knew her name.  Then my counselor suggested Nujood Ali who obtained a divorce from an arranged marriage at the age of ten.  Both of Mahala and Nujood have written a book.  I will be buying Nujood’s book soon.  So all of these women exhibited great courage to do what they did.  The last two especially so because they are so young.  I am courageous too.  It takes a lot of courage to face my fears.

My counselor told me to make a warrior’s mask next.  I will make it out of paper mache.  I will paint it and paint jewels on it.  It will be my mask of courage.

I had my cup of hot tea with milk afterwards.  I just sat there and tried to remember the important parts of the conversation.  Then I looked up Nujood’s and Mahala’s boos on Amazon.  I still have to go out and get a balloon to make my mask tomorrow.  And I’ll be buying Nujood’s book.  Courage my friend.  Heal my friend heal!

I couldn’t read.  I just needed some time to think.  And instead of painting I did some mindfulness.  The stilling of the mind to listen and concentrate on your breath.  A time of healing.  I also listened to the introduction to yoga.  I am going to try and do yoga every morning before I start my day.

I am facing a new fear and I am using the chart below.  Slowly I am exposing myself to that fear repeatedly and as I do so, my initial fear subsides.  Slowly I heal.

Record of Fears, Beliefs and Thoughts

Until Thursday…take care!

My healing journey…

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Miriam speaks quickly of her healing journey.  I am writing the story about me fighting evil.  It is therapeutic.  I have redesigned my shield, sword and dagger.  Slowly I heal.

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I have redesigned my shield, sword and dagger with black onyx stone, rose quartz stone and amethyst stone.

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Black onyx stone is a grounding, strengthening and centering stone.  It strengthens you when you are challenged and weak.  It eases your fears when they are the strongest and banishes negativity.  Rose quart raises self esteem and gives you a strong sense of worth.  It is the heart or love stone.  Amethyst enhances psychic powers and protects travellers.  So in adding the stones I am adding to the strength and magic of my shield, sword and dagger.

I have bought myself a stone similar to black onyx.  A grounding and centering stone to wear every day.  I have also bought rose quarts and amethyst.  I even have an amethyst bracelet to wear on days to heighten my meditative powers.  I have decided to start at least one half hour of mindfulness per day.  I need to center my thoughts so as to watch what is affecting me or what my mind is wanting me to work on.

I wrote a bit about fighting against Owen…the one who represents evil in my story.  I haven’t been able to write much and I haven’t defeated him.  The men who protect me and I battle against Owen and his men to protect men, women and children from him and to protect ourselves.

Slowly I heal…

My healing journey…

 

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I don’t have much new to say.  I am facing some fears.  I revamped my form that I am using.  Some old fears have come up but I am doing two at a time now.  My story hasn’t progressed much.  But slowly I heal.

The two fears that I am facing are to go walking and taking a shower.  Now you know!  I am scared that bad people will follow me and identify me when I am walking.  I am also scared that there are cameras in my house and that bad people are filming me.  I’ve worked on the last fear logically so logically this probably isn’t the case.  So I’m more relaxed about that one!  In the park I saw a strange guy while I was walking.  It made me nervous.  I talked to my daughter and she said that there were a lot of strange people in the park and not to walk alone at night.  Which I don’t do.  So my fear has subsided a bit more now.  Belief in the positive rational counter statement that they’re not interested in me just wasn’t doing it for me today!  It helped talking about it to someone.  Something I’ve never done!  Whew!  It’s mind blowing sometimes!

I revamped the form I am using and therefore am using only one now.  It is below.

Record of Fears, Beliefs and Thoughts

So the idea is that first you fill in the event.  Then you state your emotion and rate it from 0 to 10 or 0 to 100.  Then you write down the fearful thought and rate it.  Then you write a positive rational counter statement as a response to that fear and rate your belief in it.  Then you rerate your belief in the fearful thought and in the subsequent emotion.  Then you write a comment on what you’ve learned, if your fear increased or why you are feeling the way you are.  It’s a bit complicated but when you get used to the form it works.  Then you repeatedly expose yourself to your fear (if it is safe to do so) and slowly the belief in the fear decreases and your belief in the positive rational counter statement (ie.  they’re not interested in you) goes up!  And in my case you feel more relief.  Try it maybe and please tell me if it works for you.  I am interested!

My counselor told me to write a story about me (she said it could be someone else but I’m going to leave the main character as me) fighting evil and winning.  I should have written some today but people were home so I didn’t have the privacy to do it.  I’ll keep you posted.  The idea is that I battle the evil and win!

All in all I have had a good day!  I’ve taken care of myself twice today.  I went for a walk and had a shower!  Not much to some people but for me it’s a big deal!  I feel good!  That reminds me of a favorite song.  Until next time…

Snow Leopard Face Pastel Painting.

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Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Snow Leopard Face pastel painting.  It was painted while facing a couple of fears.  Slowly I heal.  I tried a new technique for this painting.

The blue gold of the snow leopard’s eyes attracts your attention immediately.  They are well contrasted by the white fur that surrounds the eye.  The grey fur helps to define the eye as well as the nose and cheeks.  The pink of the nose contrasts well with the white fur that lines the nose.  The black circles in the fur contrast well with the background grey.

The first fear that I was facing was about my medication.  An increased dose made me dizzy and nauseous so I decreased the dose and called my doctor.  The second fear was going to see a loved one.  I was scared bad people would follow me and find her.  This is a reoccurring fear that I have to work on.  But I did go see my mother and the trip went well.  I am slowly forcing myself to face my fears.  I couldn’t paint for a day though!  Slowly I heal.

I tried a different technique with this snow leopard.  I first put down the white and then added black and then grey.  At first it was all too white but adding the grey helped.  I also found out that white charcoal is a lot whiter than white pastel.  It helped to make the contrast more in the eyes and in the fur.

This is an approximately 12 x 18″ painting.  If shipped internationally it would be better to ship the unframed painting.  I would roll it up and use a mailing tube to send it.  The framed painting would be a lot more expensive to ship.  Enjoy!

My vacation…

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Miriam speaks of her vacation at her mothers!  Stressful yet peaceful.  Slowly she heals.

I went to see my mother.  It’s blueberry picking time!  I was anxious about going.  My fear about going I rated as 6/10 and 4/10 just thinking about it.  I feared that bad people were going to identify me and follow me and identify my mother.  Then they would hurt her to control me!  Belief in this thought was a 5/10.  Belief in the positive rational counter statement that bad people aren’t interested in me was 6/10.  Rerating of the initial fear was a 4/10 and relief was a 6/10.  I haven’t exposed myself to this fear and therefore it was very stressful.  But this was all just thinking about going.  When I actually went, I was numb in the car.  My daughter drove.  The trip was uneventful except for when we stopped for gas.  Then I got very anxious because there were a lot of people around.

But a couple of days before going I had to call the crisis center.  My counselor was on holidays.  I was extremely anxious about going to my mothers and that I had had a reaction to the increase in my medication.  The lady at the crisis center helped and I was able to calm down.  That day I just watched television.  I was too anxious to read or to paint.  I think that subconsciously I was working up the courage to go to my mothers.  Also I had to deal with the fact that my medication can harm me as well as help me.  That was hard.  I was nauseous and dizzy with the increase in my meds.

I had hurt my mother by not seeing her at Christmas.  I had to make amends because my daughter said that she was very worried and stressed that she hadn’t seen me.  It felt like it was too soon.  That I was forcing myself to do something that I wasn’t ready for.  On the other hand it was a good time to test if bad people were after her.  I was very observant during the whole trip.  No one paid particular attention to us.  I didn’t go blueberry picking but my daughter did.  Maybe I’ll have the courage to do that next year.  It was good seeing my mother.  She did try to speculate about my illness but she doesn’t know everything and I can’t tell her so her speculations although accurate were not the whole picture.

I did continue to walk for half an hour a day.  This was a major change.  I have to get healthy again.  I am nurturing myself.  The fear of walking was about a 4/10 with a belief that bad people were going to identify me being a 5/10.  Belief in the positive rational counter statement that they aren’t interested in me was a 5/10.  Rerating of the fear then was a 4/10 with relief being a 5/10.  I was pretty anxious but forcing myself to walk.

The trip home was uneventful as well.  I was also sort of numb.  I had to go through it to get home.

I was tired when I got home.  I spoiled myself with a film called The Future of the Furious.  It’s the new Fast and the Furious film with Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham.  Quite a good film with a new twist that I just loved.  So I was on vacation mode for the rest of yesterday.

I realize now that the way I cope with major stress is to watch television.  I have been doing this for years.  I made sure to have my cup of tea too.  That is new.  But for years I have come home and watched television to calm my fears.

All in all it was a good trip.  Until next time…

My healing journey…

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I share this post with my finished Barn Owl pastel painting.  It is not for sale.  I had to design a dagger for my story since there was a scene at night.  I have had one stressful day.  I won’t be posting Saturday.  I’m busy this weekend.

My story with me as the heroine is progressing.  I was able to write a section where Owen, the evil half demon, attacked Miriam at night.  She had a dagger under her pillow.  Therefore I had to design a dagger!  It is shown below:

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At first Miriam was frozen in terror.  She couldn’t move and couldn’t speak.  Then she curled her fingers around her dagger which was always hidden under her pillow at night.  She stabbed Owen and Ethan (one of her six men) and his men woke up to Owen’s scream.  They then chased Owen out of the encampment.  Owen had used witchery to get past the night watchmen.

So my story is progressing slowly.  I will keep you posted.

I forgot to take my night medication last night.  This morning I was stressed because having to deal with knee pain and my fears was all just too much for me!  I took two extra strength tylenol and faced my fears.  I had to go see the doctor.  It has always been stressful.  I fear that bad people will get my name and address.  The doctor increased my medication and for the first time I felt relieved.  I think it actually does help.  To spoil myself because I faced my fear and made it to my doctor’s office, I bought myself a mocha latte to go.  I drank it at home as I relaxed.  Whew!  What a morning.  I painted and I wrote in my journal.  I also rated my fears.  All of this helped.  Then when I got home painting helped me to relax from it all.  I will survive.  Slowly I heal!

I have posted the finished Barn Owl.  I’m sorry but it’s not for sale.  It’s a gift for my daughter.  I have ordered a cell phone case from Case Station with the design for her.  It was $43.99 USD or $56.87 CAD.  I’ll post a picture when it comes in.

I painted the Barn Owl with some days having extreme anxiety and others were calmer.  As usual I lost myself in the art.  This is when my subconscious works on the problems I am facing.  It is very therapeutic.  One day I was facing three major fears but forgot everything as I concentrated on the Barn Owl.

I’m sorry I won’t be posting on Saturday.  I am busy.  I have quite the weekend planned!  I’ll fill you in on Tuesday.  Until next week…

My healing journey…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I drew four designs for the story I am writing about myself.  I have modeled the story to Eowyn of Rohan of the Lord of the Rings.  Hence the designs below.  I finally wrote some of the story.  Slowly I heal.

 

My counselor told me to draw a sword and costumes for my story.  She told me to pick a heroine from a movie or a book.  So I chose Eowyn because she is a warrior.  I have to be a warrior to face my fears!  I have to have courage.  I have already posted my shield of courage that I designed just recently.  But my daughter told me the sword had to match the shield.  So I’ve redesigned the shield as you can see above.  The sword is modeled after a Rohan sword.  In both there is a round emblem with a heart in the middle.  The biggest source of my courage is my love for my children and their love for me.  Their love for me gives me great courage.  And my love for them gives me great courage in that I would do anything to protect them!  There are gold hearts at the corners of the shield as well.

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The costumes are shown below:

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I have chosen a warrior’s costume and a gown for other occasions but notice that in both costume photos the heroine carries a sword!  The costumes are designed from costumes that Eowyn was photographed in on the internet.  The warrior’s costume is of heavy fabric with patches of leather to ward off a sword.  She wears leather boots and leather gloves as well.

Now the story is a bit difficult.  It’s supposed to reflect my battles I think and I had a hard time starting it.  I also chose the name Owen to be the evil character.  So in the story I will be battling Owen.  I forced myself to start the story.  I didn’t get very far but the starting was the important part.  I think that I fear writing it because I’m not sure of the end of the story!  I will have to wait and see.

Well after challenging myself and thinking more about my fear, I finally have figured out why I couldn’t write.  It was my fear for my abuser.  It was like I was inviting him to rape me by writing about being attacked by evil.  I am writing a book but the main person’s name is not Miriam.  In the story for my counselor I am using the name Miriam.  It made it all vividly personal.  What I was writing was happening to me.  Or that’s the way it felt.  So the fear was that my abuser would rape me.  Initially I rated this fear as 6/10.  But belief that he was going to rape me had to be 0/10 because the positive counter statement was that he was not here!  Not even in the same city!  Belief in this counter statement was 10/10.  Then my initial fear fell to 5/10 and the relief I felt was 4/10.  This fear is still new and vivid in my mind.  Analyzing the fear and rating it made me be able to identify the fear and face it more readily.  Then I was able to write.

So in the story Owen the evil half demon just touches me and I wake up.  I am frozen in fear.  I cannot speak or move.  I have sometimes had night terror like this so I could write from experience.  Now I have to figure out what to do in the moment.  I remember someone commenting and helping me with this but have forgotten what they said.  I have to ask my counselor if there is a way to stop the terror.  She is away for a week so I have a week and a half to write my story.  I am sure that I will be able to write more now.  I have faced my fear I think.  Only time will tell.

Enjoy!  Until next time!

Barn Owl WIP Pastel Painting.

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Miriam’s Art is pleased to show her Barn Owl WIP pastel painting.  It is a gift for my daughter.  Enjoy!

I usually post my art on Saturdays.  I post this WIP (work in progress) painting because it is almost done but rather than spend my day on it I have decided to work on facing my fears.  So to decrease the stress about posting today I decided to show you the WIP.  I may finish it tomorrow.  I’m not sure.

Today I am going to draw my sword that goes along with my shield of courage that I need to face my fears.  It takes a lot of courage to do what I am doing.  Thinking about the story that I am going to write about myself helped to calm my fears.  First I chose the heroine that I would be using as a model.  I chose Eowyn of Lord of the Rings because she is a warrior.  Therefore my sword will use a Rohan  sword as a model.  And I will draw a costume for my warrior as well.  All this is preparing me for writing the story about myself.  Which I avoid even now!  I fear it somehow.  It is an exercise recommended to me by my counselor.

Therefore enjoy my art!  I’ll post the finished barn owl when it’s done.  And I’ll post about my healing progress on Tuesday.  I don’t know if you are interested in my art.  I have stopped posting about environmental issues.  If you comment that you’d still like to read about environmental issues, then I’ll start again.  I think that there is interest in my healing journey.  I write for you my reader and I post my art hoping that you find that interesting as well.  Enjoy!