My healing journey…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  She is finding it hard to follow her usual routine.  She is learning about speaking up.  Slowly she heals.

I am sorry that I didn’t post on Thursday.  I am forgetting my schedule completely.  I even forget at times that I’m working on the computer.  I am distracted.  It has to do with reading The Courage to Heal and remembering.  I am also reading about breaking the silence.  If one starts talking of abuse one has to be careful because the person may be compassionate or confrontational.  The compassionate one is the easier one to talk to.  They will understand and show compassion.  The confrontational one will challenge the abuse and it will be harder to talk to them.  When talking to the compassionate one one has to still prepare.  One should think of what they want to say, how much they want to say, what they don’t want to say and what they don’t want the listener to do.  One should also think carefully of where they will talk and when.  One should think hard and be sure that the person will be compassionate.  If the person listening has also been subjected to abuse they may deny your claims or get very upset themselves.  Or go blank.  One never knows.  I still haven’t read how to talk with the confrontational person.  I have one in mind and fear talking to them about this.  But at the same time I want to protect them from knowing about this.  I also thought of talking to a friend.  She would be compassionate.  It will be hard to talk to her but I think that that is the next step in my healing.  I think that the more people I tell the more I will heal.  I’d like to thank you all at this point because it has been very therapeutic to write about my healing process to all of you.  It has helped a lot to write it all down.  Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart!  Thank you.

I don’t know what the next step in the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook is.  I have faced my fears, some of them, and face them in an ongoing way.  Every day I face them.  Sometimes I really force myself.

I have decided to spend more time with my friend.  I had been anxious about seeing her.  But my fears are not real.  They are not interested in me.  I will spend more time with my friend rather than just concentrating on my children.  I need more out of life.  I also want to start to clean up my house a bit.  But I have a major block about cleaning.  I just realized how major it is.  I’ll have to work on that.

Slowly I heal…until next time…

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Relaxation technique…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I have a new relaxation technique and a new exercise.  Slowly I heal.

The relaxation technique is to sit comfortably and relaxed.  Then close your eyes and think of a forest.  Just relax and hear the birds in the forest.  Then you hear a stream.  Slowly you walk towards the stream.  There you find a warm rock and you lay down and close your eyes.  The warm rock supports you.  It gives you strength.  It supports you.  Listen to the stream as it flows by.  Then open your eyes and go to the forest.  Pick up something in the forest.  It is a gift from the forest.  As you are leaving you see a path up a mountain.  The sun is setting.  You reach the top and sit on a warm rock and watch the sunset.  Think of your troubles as you watch the sunset.  Then walk to a cave where you see a bed of pine needles.  Lay down and sleep.  Relax.  Feel the pine needles beneath you and relax.  Then become awake with the light.  Go out of the cave and see the moon fall and the sun rise.  It is another day.  You are healed.  You are one.

The exercise I have is to study an orange or a tangerine.  I have to sit with the orange in my lap.  Then I have been invited to describe the orange in my hands.  The size, the weight, the smell.  Just look at the orange thinking of the orange.  Does your mind wander?  What is it thinking of?  Then pierce the skin with your nail.  Describe what that is like…perhaps the smell.  Then quietly peel the orange thinking only of the orange.  Then describe the orange.  Does your mind wander?  What is it thinking of?  Then place a piece of the orange on your tongue.  Describe how it feels to swallow the orange.

I don’t know what we’ll do with this exercise but I’ll keep you posted.

I have been facing my fears and slowly I heal.  My mind has to adjust and sometimes now I worry just about little things.  But I have been strong and faced my fears.  It takes courage.

Until next time…Thursday…until then.

My healing journey…I don’t have to remember.

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I don’t have to remember to heal!  Slowly I heal.

I am trying to get back on track and post on my usual days.  Thursday is one of those days.  I wasn’t able to function well during the week because I was putting off reading about remembering my abuse.  I didn’t want to remember.  The free writing I had done left me raw with emotion.  It was all too much.  Therefore I just read my romance novel and blocked everything else out.  I didn’t even start a new art project but just read.  Then when I wrote my last blog I realized that I was putting off reading and then I read.  It was a relief because they said that people don’t have to remember to heal.  They can heal without remembering.  My counselor told me that I had experienced the abuse once there was no reason to have to remember it all.  I have remembered some things and that’s enough.

I’m sorry I’ve been recuperating today.  Yesterday was a heavy day with me facing the fear of remembering.  It always tires me.  Even just reading a novel is tiring too.  So I haven’t read further in my book.  The next section is about believing that it happened.  Free writing has helped me realize that something happened.  Something traumatic.  I’ll do more free writing when I can but not yet.

So I don’t have much more to say except that I don’t have to remember.  That is such a big relief!

Until next time…

My healing journey and remembering…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  She is scared to remember.  And therefore does not heal.

I am at a place in the Courage To Heal Workbook where I have to read about remembering my childhood.  My counselor advised me not to spend too much time with this section.  That I had remembered enough.  I have been reading a romance novel all week avoiding my workbook.  I can’t even pay my bills today.  I just want to read the novel.  So thank you for being there.  Writing this post has made me realize that I have to read the section on remembering today to be able to function normally.  So I’ll do that right after this post.  Then I’ll be able to heal.

I did my warrior’s mask over again.  The Inca inspired mask was just too ugly.  Even my dog was scared of it!  The new Celtic design is below.

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The design between the eyes is the Celtic symbol for wisdom.  The design to the left of the nose is the Celtic symbol for strength.  The design to the right is the Celtic symbol for inner strength.  And the two designs on the forehead are the Celtic knot that symbolizes three trios:  earth, air, water; mind, body, soul; and past, present, future.  It’s energy is for protection, eternal love and unity without end.  I need a lot of inner strength, strength and wisdom to face my fears.  The mind, body and soul are involved.  And I need protection while doing it.  That’s why I chose the symbols that I did.

Now I am going to light my candle.  Read my Courage to Heal Workbook.  And then have a cup of hot tea with milk.

Until next time…

My weapons for battle…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I have been guided to design my weapons for battle in a story about myself where I battle evil.  It is therapeutic and symbolic.

Above you see the dagger that I have designed using a Celtic dagger as a guideline.  In my story of me battling evil the first weapon I needed was a dagger for the evil came creeping in at night.  I have also designed a snow leopard totem in Celtic design.  Shown below.

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The original design used a wolf but my totem animal s the snow leopard so I designed this with a snow leopard in mind.  Next came the sword and shield.  Shown below.

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This is all symbolic of my inner battle against what happened to me in my childhood.  I feel stronger having designed these weapons.  Finally they are done!  I have designed a warrior’s mask but it isn’t finished yet.  It has an Inca flavor to it but with Celtic symbols on it.  I may post that tomorrow.

Forgive me I didn’t post yesterday.  I usually post Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.  Yesterday I had computer problems.  An IT Tech took over my computer for most of the afternoon and fixed it.  I was so stressed out!  I couldn’t handle the stress so I read and watched television.  I was exhausted by the time I went to bed.

It’s funny.  I was very scared when I was walking on a forest path.  My counselor explained that I was very scared when I was a child.  So I now walk on a less secluded path but today, after I was afraid for a moment due to inner demons, I was worried that a bear might come onto the path.  It was early in the morning.  So if I’m not scared of my inner demons my mind finds something real to be scared of next.  Will I ever be calm?

I still have to write more in this story where Miriam faces an evil Celtic goblin now.  I have to describe him as a Celtic goblin in the story.  It was symbolic that in my story I didn’t face the evil just once but repeatedly.  It’s my memories trying to show through.  Slowly I heal.

Until tomorrow…

Courage and Hope.

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  It takes courage and hope.  She lost hope when she was a child.  But has stayed strong.  Now hope springs eternal in her adult life.  But she has blocked her childhood.  She has much to be grateful for and much to be proud of.  Slowly she heals.

While reading The Courage to Heal I read of courage and hope.  It has taken great courage to face my fears.  But this book that I am using to guide me through my healing spoke about hope.  It said that in my childhood I had given up hope.  I hadn’t even realized it.  I have always been a positive and hopeful person.  The book asked me to think of my childhood, in the language that I was speaking then, and to free write about a time that I gave up hope.  I have blocked my childhood.  I hardly remember any of it.  It is my teenage years that I remember.  If you remember free writing is when you write without thought of grammar or spelling and write what you are feeling.  If you get blocked then you continue writing and repeat until you are unblocked.  They also say in the book to use the language that you were using when the abuse occurred.  In this case in my childhood.  I gave up hope as a child.  I free wrote for 20 minutes.  It was difficult.  Sometimes I blocked and in the end I was drawing too.  I cried.  I remembered a little.  So the free writing is helping me to remember.  It was very therapeutic.  The book went on afterwards to talk of what I hope for and then realistic goals that I can make to reach what I am hoping for.  To heal was the most common goal.  Happiness is what I hoped for and to obtain that happiness for myself and my family, I have to heal.

My last post told you that I had had a difficult week.  I couldn’t write, barely painted and didn’t walk much.  But it was different because I was facing some major fears.  So yesterday I took a day for me.  I drove around looking for a gym and then pampered myself.  An afternoon just for me.  I needed the time for a pause in my life.  This morning I woke rejuvenated and eager to start the day.

Then wham! I do the free writing.  Now I laugh but it was intense.  I have always been a positive and optimistic person.  The way that I have coped has been to be calm and logical.  But I have blocked my childhood.  Now to heal I believe that I have to remember.  To remember I have to do free writing on a regular basis.  It is a powerful tool.

Slowly I heal.  I am doing my warriors mask to give me courage.  I have decided that my totem animal is the snow leopard.  I have found a wolf celtic design for my mask.  I will adapt it to portray a snow leopard.  Then I will paint it on my mask.  However I am in trouble because my one daughter told me that my sword and shield had to match.  So I presume that my warrior’s mask has to match the sword and shield.  So that means that I have to redesign my sword and shield to be celtic in nature.  All with the snow leopard celtic design.  That’s a lot of work!  I’ll keep you posted.

Sorry I should have posted this yesterday.  I completely forgot but here you have it now!  Until next time…

I’ve been busy and my healing journey.

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I have been very busy and it’s all been a bit too much.  So I missed my post yesterday.  But slowly I heal.

It’s been three days of anxiety because I have had appointments and it’s been my birthday.  First I went out with a friend, then I had people come over, then my daughter had a dentist appointment and today I have a doctor’s appointment.  All stressful and anxiety builders.  My way to cope is to block everything out, do what I have to do, stay calm and just get it done and get home.  My safe place is home.  But now at home all I am doing is reading.  My anxiety is so high that I can’t concentrate on anything else.  And I don’t do anything else but read.  It would be good to do some mindfulness I think.  So I’ll try this afternoon.  Maybe I’ll stop blocking then and try to heal.  It’s just been too much.

But slowly I heal.  I have less anxiety about going out or having people over.  I use positive counter statements to help.  And now I believe in the positive counter statements more than my fears which is good.  Slowly I heal.

An afternoon treat…my healing journey.

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Miriam now speaks of her day.  A day of healing.

I went out with a good friend today…I can say my best friend now.  We haven’t seen each other since before Christmas.  It took all my courage to face my anxiety and fears and just do it!  It was a gift to myself.  I was sort of numb inside but I did it.  And nothing bad happened!  We were alright and spent an enjoyable lunch together.

I had been painting for my daughters and thought of her often because I had promised to paint a portrait of her dog.  She had four paintings/drawings to choose from and chose two pastels.  One was with the old technique I use and one was with a new paper and therefore a new technique.  I was surprised she liked the new technique but she said it had a softer quality to it.  It was done with U-art paper.  So thinking of her I finished all the portraits and invited her out for lunch.  She treated me too but that’s another story.

The important thing is that I faced another fear today with courage.  I am slowly digging deep and realizing that yes I do have courage.  My counselor told me to make a paper mache mask of a warrior.  Which I am doing now.  It had to dry.  Now I’m ready to paint it.  I’ll paint gems on it too!

Until next time…

Courage and Mindfulness.

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Today Miriam talks of her meeting with her counselor.  They talked of courage and women that were heroes.  Miriam also started doing mindfulness sessions again.

My counselor and I talked of heroes.  I don’t know many heroes.  I thought of movie characters like Eowyn of Lord of the Rings or Laura Croft of Tomb Raiders.  Then I tried to think of other heroes.  One was Madame Cure because she won a Nobel Peace Prize.  Then I thought of Mahala the Afghan young women that stood up for education of women and was shot by the Taliban in her own country.  My counselor knew her name.  Then my counselor suggested Nujood Ali who obtained a divorce from an arranged marriage at the age of ten.  Both of Mahala and Nujood have written a book.  I will be buying Nujood’s book soon.  So all of these women exhibited great courage to do what they did.  The last two especially so because they are so young.  I am courageous too.  It takes a lot of courage to face my fears.

My counselor told me to make a warrior’s mask next.  I will make it out of paper mache.  I will paint it and paint jewels on it.  It will be my mask of courage.

I had my cup of hot tea with milk afterwards.  I just sat there and tried to remember the important parts of the conversation.  Then I looked up Nujood’s and Mahala’s boos on Amazon.  I still have to go out and get a balloon to make my mask tomorrow.  And I’ll be buying Nujood’s book.  Courage my friend.  Heal my friend heal!

I couldn’t read.  I just needed some time to think.  And instead of painting I did some mindfulness.  The stilling of the mind to listen and concentrate on your breath.  A time of healing.  I also listened to the introduction to yoga.  I am going to try and do yoga every morning before I start my day.

I am facing a new fear and I am using the chart below.  Slowly I am exposing myself to that fear repeatedly and as I do so, my initial fear subsides.  Slowly I heal.

Record of Fears, Beliefs and Thoughts

Until Thursday…take care!

My healing journey…

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Miriam speaks quickly of her healing journey.  I am writing the story about me fighting evil.  It is therapeutic.  I have redesigned my shield, sword and dagger.  Slowly I heal.

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I have redesigned my shield, sword and dagger with black onyx stone, rose quartz stone and amethyst stone.

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Black onyx stone is a grounding, strengthening and centering stone.  It strengthens you when you are challenged and weak.  It eases your fears when they are the strongest and banishes negativity.  Rose quart raises self esteem and gives you a strong sense of worth.  It is the heart or love stone.  Amethyst enhances psychic powers and protects travellers.  So in adding the stones I am adding to the strength and magic of my shield, sword and dagger.

I have bought myself a stone similar to black onyx.  A grounding and centering stone to wear every day.  I have also bought rose quarts and amethyst.  I even have an amethyst bracelet to wear on days to heighten my meditative powers.  I have decided to start at least one half hour of mindfulness per day.  I need to center my thoughts so as to watch what is affecting me or what my mind is wanting me to work on.

I wrote a bit about fighting against Owen…the one who represents evil in my story.  I haven’t been able to write much and I haven’t defeated him.  The men who protect me and I battle against Owen and his men to protect men, women and children from him and to protect ourselves.

Slowly I heal…