Moving forward…

lake 500 pi

I have seen my psychologist.  It went OK but now he wants me to do something that I’ve been dreading.  I struggle with my debt and put my business on hold.  I’ll be painting soon I hope!  Enjoy your week!

I was very distracted before going to see my psychologist.  My subconscious was more afraid than usual.  I am fearing the one who did me wrong when I was a child…my babysitter.  My subconscious is happy that I’m going to see a psychologist but I am stressed and distracted.  I am not happy.  I was warned, I think, not to say anything and now it’s stressful when I think of what I’ll say.  I’ll be honest and tell him all.  A lot of my anxiety stems from my babysitter finding me.

It has been so stressful that I haven’t painted.  I will today though.  The stress has passed since I saw my psychologist yesterday.  He was a very nice man.  Easy to talk to.  We just talked generally about my mental illness and about who I am.  He said that it was important that I talk to my mother about this.  I was hoping to spare her.  But he’s right.  Only she will know some things.  She doesn’t know anything about why I am mentally ill.  I’ve tried to keep that pain from her.  My psychologist suggested that I write down questions that I’ll ask her.  I’ve started doing that with the help of one daughter.  I really am not looking forward to this.  But you see my father and older brother have passed.  They would be the only other people I could have talked to.  So that leaves my mother.  She’s 80 years old for goodness sake.  I really don’t want to bother her with this.  But I must.

I am starting to save money.  I’ve put my art business on hold and will still be painting but I won’t be spending money on it like I used to.  I have to decrease my debt.  Specifically my credit card debt!  It’s so hard saying no.  My business has been very important to me!  But slowly I’ll pay off my credit cards.  Then I’ll be able to spend freely again.  But not with my credit cards!  Duh!  I am paying off the card with the least amount on it first.  Putting all of my money on to one card and doing minimum payments with the rest.  But be careful if you are over the limit on your credit card, you have to pay that off too or all of a sudden you’ll have a huge bill.

I will be painting a cougar cub next.  My inspiration is my grandson Erik.  I babysat him yesterday.  Apparently, he can roll onto his front now and he’s talking a mile a minute.  Not with words, but with sounds.  And he’s such a happy baby except that he’s teething.  He is a joy to watch.  And a reason for me to heal.  Never stop fighting!

Enjoy your week.  Know that I welcome your comments.  Others who read my blog do too.  You can help others by commenting and giving examples of how you are coping…maybe with credit card debt.  Enjoy!

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Mental illness and credit card debt.

I take the time to talk about my mental illness and about my credit card debt that is high due to my mental illness.  I am aware of my debt now and that I have to pay it back.  Slowly I heal.

I have heard others say that they used their credit cards on the “good” days.  Perhaps they used them too much like I have.  I have spent thousands of dollars.  Once for a course because I thought that I deserved it.  Often for clothes to make me look pretty because I thought that I deserved it.  And I speak now in the hopes of helping others out there who are doing the same thing.  You have to pay that money back.  Everything is not going to be OK as I thought when I spent money that I didn’t have.  You have to pay that money back.  I have spent the week trying to get help with my debt.  Finally, the wheel is in motion to do just that.  And I have given my credit cards to my daughter.  She is not to give them to me for any reason!  I’ve tried putting them away before but I would always pull them out and use them.  Now they are away and I am starting to pay off my debt!  Don’t use your credit cards if you are mentally ill.  Don’t run up debt!  You have to pay that money back.

I haven’t posted my art today.  I haven’t painted.  I have been too busy dealing with my debt and with choosing a psychologist.  When I have anxiety it is hard for me to deal with multiple things.  Two things are about my maximum that I can worry about.  And I shut down.  I don’t read.  I don’t do much.  I just watch television.  I don’t know why.

My subconscious wants me to know things.  I am learning things slowly.  My psychologist, my therapist, will help me with this.  But it is bothering me and making me anxious.  My anxiety stems from the fear that someone who has done bad to me will find me!  So I am anxious about many things.

But it’s positive that I have a psychologist appointment.  I also have another psychologist that I will go see so that I have a choice for a psychologist and am not limited to one.

Slowly I heal.  Remember, you have to pay back your credit card debt!

Never stop fighting!

Happy Easter!

narwhal 500 pi

Miriam’s Art wishes you and yours a Happy Easter and Safe Travels!  Here is my Narwhal pastel painting.  Enjoy!

Easter is here.  A time of rejoice and celebration.  God gave us his only begotten son that he may save us from our sin.  In Him we are reborn and freed.  Our redemption and salvation!  Praise be to God!

I don’t often speak of my beliefs.  But today I do.  It is through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that we have everlasting life.  Thank you Jesus!  Thank you God!

As is the case on holidays family is travelling to be with family.  Remember to obey the rules of the road and respect road conditions.  Always travel at a safe speed.  Be smart!  Be safe!

The narwhal is a sea mammal like the whale.  I am fascinated by it because of it’s long tusk.  It uses the long tusk for defense but also for echolocation and sensing at times.  Interesting!

I painted this painting at a time of stress.  I was anxious.  It soothed my soul to paint.  I have made an appointment with a psychologist.  I will see more than one psychologist to see which one I trust more.  My subconscious is working hard trying to make me aware of what it is that is bothering me.  A therapist will help greatly.

In my Narwhal painting, the snow was a challenge.  Painting of the narwhals was relatively easy.  Using the smudged blue for lines in the snow made it more life like.

I have taken a new turn in my business.  I have decided to take a step back.  I have my debt to pay off and therefore cannot advance my business as much.  I have never really paid much towards advertising, hoping that I could spread awareness about my business by word of mouth and using Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.  I have stopped paying for an expensive theme for my website and have opted for the free themes from WordPress.  Therefore my website needs a bit of work.  Please forgive me.  But you can see my most recent posts.  Now I will concentrate on my art as I have always done.

I am trying something new.  A different picture for the featured image and then the Narwhal painting for the post image.  The featured image is ducklings.  The image for the post is the Narwhal.  Which one do you see?  Both?  Or just one?

I wish for you a happy and safe Easter.  It is a time for family.  If you are alone know that my thoughts are with you.  Reach out to a friend or even someone at the coffee shop.  Know that you are loved.  Take care.  xx

Canoe in Mist on Lake Pastel Painting.

canoe in mist on lake 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Canoe in Mist on Lake pastel painting.  She painted it during a time of stress and the painting soothed her tattered soul.  Enjoy!

The black silhouette of the canoe and paddler capture the viewers eye immediately.  The yellow white reflection of the sun then captures the eye as it shimmers on the blue lake.  The black reflection of the trees shimmers as well.  Then the eye is drawn to the yellow sparkle of the sun as it is altered by the tree branches.  The yellow mist contrasts well with the black silhouette of the island and the forest behind them.

I painted this at a time of stress.  I was trying to find a psychiatrist.  The painting soothed my anxiety.  I have an emotional connection to a still lake having spent many days in the summer beside one.  I love a still lake.  Painting a still lake doubly soothed me because of this.  I gaze on the painting now and am taken away to a lake and I am soothed and calm.

I came to a stumbling block about reporting what happened and the name of my abuser to the police.  Legal counsel said it had to be done in the city the crime was committed.  It will be an occurrence report.  But talking with family made me realize that I should possibly wait until after I’ve talked to a psychologist and undergone therapy.  My family will know.  So that’s a relief as will my psychiatrist and my psychologist.  I plan to tell everyone I can.

As stated before I used a Rembrandt black pastel for the silhouette.  It is much darker than the black of my other pastel set and therefore stands out well in the painting.  The reflection of the sun on the lake was relatively easy.  However the painting of the actual sun behind the tree was a challenge.  The mist was challenging as well.  It goes up straight in a line rather than swirling in a circle.

Enjoy!

Took a moment…

lake 500 pi

I took a moment today to be calm and relax.  This is the view of the lake from my car.  I had a mocha latte which is my reward for facing my fears.

I have been caught up in the bustle of every day errands.  Groceries and such.  And I’ve had anxiety.  So I listened to my subconscious and thought what am I anxious about.  What’s making my subconscious make me anxious.  It was fear.  Fear of my abuser.  He doesn’t know that I know that he raped me.  But he probably knows that I’ve been mentally ill.  You see his family has ties to friends of my mother’s.  However I am not friends with them.  So no one of my mother’s friends knows the reason for my mental illness.  So I am relatively safe.  But my fear now is what if he finds out?  Will he try to harm me or my family?  I have to be careful on Facebook I think.  I phoned the police.  I have to go in physically and talk to an officer.  I’m going to do that soon.  I have talked to an officer on the phone but he didn’t file a report.  I want it on record what my abuser did to me.  So I have to go in.

It took all of my courage to call the police on the phone.  Now, to protect myself and those I love, I have to go in physically.  I’m not as scared as I was to call.  So that’s a plus.

I have also been searching for a psychologist for therapy.  My benefits cover it luckily.  But it’s been hard going.  Some aren’t taking new patients.  I finally got through to one group of psychologists but I think that there is going to be a waiting list.  So we’ll see when I get an appointment.

All of this has been working in the back of my mind as I do errands and take care of myself.  I am exhausted but staying positive.  I took a moment today to reward myself.  Nature helped me recharge my batteries as it often does.  I just sat and looked over the lake.  Sipping my mocha latte.  I am walking at home now so I don’t get a view of the lake or the time to gaze over it.  I need that.  I’ve been missing that.  I instinctively knew that I needed something today so I took a moment.  Bought the mocha latte and went to the lake.

Take a moment.  Reward yourself for your hard work facing your anxiety.  Facing and surviving your illness.  Take a moment and spoil yourself!  Always keep fighting!

Canoe in Mist on Lake WIP.

canoe in mist on a lake 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is sharing her Canoe in Mist on Lake WIP pastel painting.  It soothed her troubled mind to paint this painting.  She has a special technique for the black silhouette of the canoe.  Enjoy!

The black silhouette of the canoe catches the viewers eye immediately.  The yellow of the mist is not developed yet.  The black silhouette of the trees has been established.  The reflection on the water is yet to be done.

I am in a state of anxiety about seeing a psychologist.  I know that we will cover topics that will be difficult for me and my subconscious is making me aware of these topics.  Painting helped to still my mind.

I have also felt a little bit of anxiety about my art.  Art is a reflection of your passion.  Water inspires me and I have passion for a still lake.  I had thought that waves interested me.  Although they are beautiful, I am not passionate about them.  It took a discussion with my youngest daughter who is wise beyond her years to realize that I should paint my passion.  I am also passionate about animals, water droplets, flowers and about mothers and young, human or animal.  I plan to develop my passion in these subject areas further.

A used a special Rembrandt black pastel for the silhouette of the boat.  It is much darker than the regular pastel black.  The mist is in place.  Now I have to play around with it to make it believable.  The sun spot will be a challenge to do.

I was dealing with this anxiety about the psychologist and therefore didn’t post this week.  Forgive me.  My health comes first.

Enjoy!

Baby’s Face Portrait Painting.

baby face2 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Baby Face pastel portrait.  It is with great pleasure that I paint a baby’s face.  Most of the painting was done at a time of calm.  Enjoy!

The pink of the lips of the child attract the attention immediately.  They are pouting as is often seen in a baby.  The pink contrasts well with the white highlight and the skin tones of the chin and nose.

This painting was done at a time of relative calm.  Or is it that it calms me greatly to paint a child.  I am a grandmother after all!  It was a joy!

The lips were the most challenging since they can’t be red as with lipstick.  They have to be flesh pink.  I believe I’ve got them right.  I may work on it a bit more.  The lips are proving to be difficult.

This is a 12×18″ painting framed.  The painting itself is 5.5 x 9″.  Please see my website under Shop, Portfolio and scroll down to Shop Now to purchase.  It can be found at www.miriamsart.com.

Being a woman…a poem.

aaron-burden-90144 unsplash 500 pi

Miriam’s Art wrote a poem about being a woman this morning.  Since it’s International Women’s Day she thought that she would share it on her art website today.  Stay strong.  Stand alone.  Lean on your partner but never lose yourself in them!

Being a woman.
What does it mean?
A person of strength.
A person of dreams.
We are vulnerable and yet.
Able to withstand pain like no other.
Able to heal like no other.
Able to empathize like no other.
Yet we are victims.
Often dependent for love.  For worth.
Often mere reflections of our mate.
Stand strong.  Stand alone.
We are woman.
Independent and strong.

photo credit:  Aaron Burden with Unsplash.

International Women’s Day!

 

Nursing Mother 500 pi

Happy International Women’s Day!  I reflect on what being a woman means with joy and sadness.  Enjoy!

What does it mean to be a woman.  The very essence and the very core of a woman is her status as a mother.  She is biologically chosen to procreate and yet has the honor of that intimate connection with her offspring.  That intimate bond that no other human can have with her child.  She carries her child for nine months.  The baby knows her heartbeat and is connected physically to their mother.  Giving birth is a miracle.  It is like running a marathon, pain included, but is still a miracle.  A new soul, a new spirit.  We, as mothers, have such a responsibility to that new being for we shape it’s very existence, it’s soul, it’s spirit.  The child we nurture is dependent on it’s mother, us, for it’s survival but also for it’s mental health and well being.  A child is so vulnerable.  So trusting.  So cherished.  There is no other greater work in the world than that of a mother.

Sadly there is a negative flip-side to this healing and nurturing profession.  And that is that women are often the victim of molestation or rape.  The very essence that defines the most important part of our being, makes us the most vulnerable to men who are mentally ill.  Why is it that in times of stress and conflict, such as war or when men feel threatened, that the woman becomes the victim of their sexual greed.  Why is it that we are often the victim.  Often the weaker and exploited.  It is time to stand up for we all have a voice.  It is when we make others aware of our plight that we become empowered and if we stand together we can change the world.  Speak out about your sexual abuse.  Talk to a trusted friend, a priest, or a professional.  It is only in speaking out that we have any chance of avoiding the aggressor and of healing.  Don’t suffer in silence!  Speak!

And so I bring back the conversation to the joy of being a mother.  Women are often healers as well as mothers.  It is the nurturing instinct in all of us.  The empathy that we feel for fellow human beings is far greater than a man can feel.  That is our nurturing instinct.  It is an honor to be a mother.  An honor to care for that little human being that is a miracle.  And yes there are women who abuse the trust and tarnish the honor.  But the majority of women nurture and cherish that little miracle that is born of them.

If you have never had a child and are thinking of it, I recommend the experience wholeheartedly.  However it is a major responsibility.  With your nurturing and special care you create either a solid human being who can stand up to life or a child who suffers.  That child is directly dependent on you for it’s survival.  Not only it’s biological survival but also it’s mental survival.  You will shape that little human being into something that is strong or something that is weak and perhaps flawed.  It is up to you.  There are many varying shades to the child and the child is directly dependent on it’s environment as he or she is growing up.  Biology and genetics play a big role but so does the environment that the child grows up in.  We all do the best that we can but know that that child’s mental health and stability is directly dependent on how he or she is brought up and how well protected he or she is from the evil that exists in our world.  Sadly that evil does exist.  It is our job as a mother to protect our child from all that can harm him or her.  It is a great responsibility.

And so I congratulate the many mothers out there who have children that are happy and compassionate.  That I believe is the greatest indicator of success as a human being.  To be happy and compassionate towards other human beings.

A mother needs to be patient, consistent and strong.  Stay patient!  Stay strong for that little being that is a miracle that is known as your child!  Enjoy!

World Wildlife Day2.

Miriam’s Art is pleased to exhibit a collage of some of her big cat pastel paintings with a lesser cat, the cheetah, as well.  Listed are websites that are concerned with wildlife survival.  Enjoy!

A big cat is designated as a big cat because of it’s throat which allows it to roar except for the mountain lion.  The mountain lion is considered as a big cat because of its prowess in the hunt.  A lesser cat is a cat that cannot roar.  This year the World Wildlife Day is interested in the Big Cats.

Some websites that are concerned for big cat welfare are:

Snow Leopard Trust

World Wildlife Foundation

In all of the above sites you can adopt a big cat and care for it’s survival in a monetary way.  Some of the proceeds from adoption are used for research of the species.  The World Wildlife Foundation allows you to adopt a wide variety of animals:  big cats, whales, etc.

Another site where you can donate money is:

Mountain Lion Foundation

Your donation will allow the foundation to continue their battle against trophy hunting, support local people who are trying to protect a resident mountain lion,  contribute to the growing amount of scientific knowledge, protect pets, people and livestock, and give a voice to the mountain lion.

Enjoy!