Staying in and covid 19

Miriam’s Art is pleased to show her Flicker pastel painting.  It was done on a day of relative calm.  Slowly I heal.

I have been self isolating because of covid 19 and the fact that I have a cough.  It isn’t anything serious and no other symptoms but I’m staying away from everyone.  I can usually handle being on my own but it is getting boring.  My new med, Clozapine, requires weekly blood tests and a weekly talk with my nurse.  It is scary to go out but all precautions are being met.  I can only call loved ones on the phone.

The Clozapine has given me some relief.  I am now having maybe two or three A Days in a month.  The rest are Medium Days with a lot of Nice Days.  The Nice Day is when the voices don’t take over and I am able to navigate the day well.  So I’m glad to be taking Clozapine.  The weekly blood tests are scary though as well as the weekly visit to my nurse.  They monitor my blood pressure, my temperature, oxygen level and weight.  They also monitor my white blood cell count with the blood test.  Clozapine might affect my white blood cell count.  But so far it hasn’t.

I am still taking Latuda as well but my psychiatrist will be slowly reducing the amount that I take.

Side effects of the Clozapine are weight gain and tiredness.   I have gained about seven pounds.  Trying to eat healthy snacks though.  And I walk almost every day.  Too bad the rec centre is closed.  Can’t go for aquafitness.  I miss the group of women who used to go for a coffee.

I am not depressed but complaining to myself.  I want to be able to go out for a coffee and not worry.  How are you during these scary times?  Remember to reach out to a loved one or a friend.  Even if it’s just a phone call.  It will help you and help them.

I am making Finnish coffee bread and cinnamon buns.  It is quite good and took most of the day.  The house smells like cardamom.  The spice that we use.  I’ve started cooking the Finnish way.  I made salmon stew the other day and it was so good.  It reminded me of the trip we took to Finland in September 2019.  The Finns are staying at home too.  We are all very careful with covid 19.

I am happy.  I should be painting.  I painted a tulip but then made the leaves all wrong.  So I have to throw out that painting and do it over again.  Oh well!  Remember that there is always another thing you could do, suicide is not an answer.  There is always some other way to help heal the problem or to find a solution.  Reach out to your mental health crisis line.  Please!

Always keep fighting.  Take care and know that I care what happens to you.  Stay safe.  Stay home.  🙂

Suicide Prevention Month.

I have thought long about posting on this subject.  My hopes are that my words could help someone.

I have been faced with many extreme thoughts in my life.  Due to my mental illness.  Thoughts that were very negative and caused me to fear.  I trusted in myself at first and kept quiet.  The terror I felt was extreme.  But I didn’t give up.  I kept on trying.  The terror passed and then God and belief in the good in people helped me.  They protected me from the terror.  So I had help.  It took me a long time though to speak out about my terror and my other fears.  Finally one day I broke the silence.  I didn’t know that I was ill and that my delusions weren’t real.  I didn’t know!  But with courage I broke the silence and talked to someone.  My psychiatrist.  Then I talked to my family.  And finally to a friend.  Now I am also talking to a psychologist, my therapist.

I read in a romantic suspense novel that a schizophrenic heard voices.  And believed that the voices were real.  I thought to myself that I hear voices.  Could they possibly not be real?  I tested my theory by stopping to listen to the negative voices.  Nothing happened.  The world did not end.  The voices didn’t get worse.  It took all my courage to stop listening to them.  But I did stop listening to them and then I broke the silence and talked to my psychiatrist about the voices.

Are there voices in your mind that are negative?  Do you feel that there is no hope?  Do you feel completely alone?  Break the silence.  Gather up all your courage.  Reach out to someone.  It can be a friend, a member of your family or someone on a crisis help line.  The number is easy to find and it is anonymous.  Reach out.  Talk to someone.  Break the silence.  It took all my courage to do so.  You can do it too!  You are not alone.  Tell someone!

I pray to God that you listen.  You are loved.

photo credit:  Spencer Pugh on Unsplash.