Hummingbird Pastel Painting.

hummingbird 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Hummingbird close up pastel painting.  It was painted at a time of some calm.  I’m having an anxious day.  Slowly I heal.

The eye of the hummingbird attracts the viewer’s attention.  The blue of the feathers attract it too.  The green of the feathers too.  Then the grey and brown feathers bring the eye around.

I am having A Day of extreme anxiety.  The inner voices are bad today.  They are bothering me.  I am scared of them.  I have phoned the Crisis Line twice today.  That is when they picked up.  I am distracting myself and doing my best.  I am worried.  But with God’s help I’ll survive.  I am trying hard to resist what they are doing to me.  I need help from my friends and my family.  Phoning people has helped a lot lately.  I don’t know.

Trust your mental health professionals.  Sometimes the meds have to be adjusted.  I hope to be doing that Monday.  Usually A Day lasts for a half or full day and the next day is better.  I’m hoping that’s the case today.  Slowly I heal.  Always keep fighting!

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Bluebirds at Feeder Pastel Painting.

bluebirds at feeder jan 2019 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Bluebirds at Feeder pastel painting.  It was painted on a day of extreme anxiety.  I had another A Day.  Slowly I heal.  Enjoy!

The top bluebird immediately catches the viewer’s eye.  It joins another bluebird at a white feeder.  The blue of the bird contrasts well with the orange brown and white of it’s body.  Unique to a bluebird.

This painting was finished today.  A day of calm after A Day.  I had extreme anxiety again yesterday because of inner voices.  I tried to distract myself and kept telling myself that the voices were not real.  But in my mind I sometimes think that they are real although I was better yesterday.  I was strong and courageous.  And I didn’t believe in them.  The Crisis Line had a good idea.  I said out loud that I didn’t believe in the voices games and that I was watching TV.  It helped.  I tried to get a hold of my caseworker but she was busy.  I talked to two of my daughters and my Mom and asked them to distract me.  That helped.  Thank God for my family.  I was anxious but managed to survive.

I have been contemplating a new medication.  It has weight gain as a side effect as well as low white blood cell counts.  So serious that you have to take weekly blood tests.  They recommend to avoid driving and swimming.  Which I can’t do.  I drive and I’ve just started swimming!  I don’t think I’ll agree to the medication.  The side effects are too severe.  Although my quality of life is not good on the A Days.  Slowly I heal.  I’ll discuss this with my psychiatrist.

Trust your mental health professionals.  Break the silence and be honest about what you are experiencing.  Reaching out is key.  Slowly I heal.  Always keep fighting!

Here is another painting.  Done on calm days.

hummingbird in flight jan 2019 500 pi

Lace and Blue Door Pastel Painting.

lace and blue door 500 pi

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Lace and Blue Door pastel painting.  She has four paintings to exhibit today.  Slowly she heals.  Enjoy!

The white cat on the door step immediately attracts the viewers eye.  Then the intricacy of the white lace pulls the viewer in more.  The greenery on the side of the blue door adds an interesting touch.

This painting was done at a time of extreme anxiety.  It soothed my tattered soul to paint.  Slowly I heal.

The voices are quiet today.  Perhaps we can learn to co-exist.  I miss my Mom.  She was here for the whole month of December.  She helped to ground me on my A Days.  She was a distraction and a joy.  I have lost weight keeping up with her.  She is 83 years old and more active than I am!  What a power house.  I really admire her.

I have a collage of three other paintings.

collage of three

The first one is my first painting of 2019!  I seem to be in a blue period.  Blue stands for calmness, serenity and peace.  I was not at peace while painting some of these.  I had some very bad days!  But it was calming to paint!  Blue also stands for cleansing, nourishing, cooling, nurturing and mothering, awakening of intuition and attainment of wisdom.  So I guess I was very wise bringing in the New Year!

I have been recording all my dreams.  Dreams are the subconscious trying to communicate with us.  I had a dream of explosives being strapped to my body.  But there were no detonators.  I was tired from the weight of the explosives.  I believe that this was my subconscious telling me that I wasn’t in danger although I thought that I was.  With no detonators there was no danger with the explosives.  Dreams are personal and require the person to interpret them.  A psychologist can’t do it alone.  I am presently reading a book by Carl G Jung – Man and his symbols.  I hope to get back to it in the new year.

So today the inner voices are quiet.  Although they still want me to fear that it’s subliminal.  My psychiatrist and psychologist both say that it probably isn’t subliminal.  So I don’t fear.  It is a relief to have a quiet day.

I went to aquafitness yesterday.  It bothered my knees a little.  I’ll try and go again tomorrow.  I’m not sure if I can afford twice a week though.  I am trying to consolidate all my debt.  Credit card debt and such.  I tried to start my company and failed.  I spent money while believing my delusions.  Be aware that you have to pay back credit card debt – even if you are having a good day and feel that you deserve to be spoiled!

Slowly I heal.  Always keep fighting!

Thank you for your likes and follows in 2018.

Thank you 2018 500 pi

Miriam’s Art would like to thank you for 2018!  You mean a lot to me.  Writing this blog is very therapeutic.  Enjoy the photo and Thank you!

This is a painting of mine.  I paint pastel paintings to distract myself from inner voices.  This blog has been very therapeutic in that I can share about my mental illness.  I am delusional and I hear voices.  Presently the inner voices are at war with me because I no longer talk to them and I merely try to observe.  I pray that the inner voices will learn to co-exist with me.  That is my goal for 2019.

Writing about your mental health issues is very therapeutic.  I recommend it to anyone with a mental illness.  I publish anonymously under Miriam’s Art.  Perhaps a pseudonym could help you.  It helps to express what is happening to you.  It heals.  I thank everyone who has liked my blog or followed me in 2018.  It has been crucial in my healing.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Always keep fighting!  Slowly I heal.

 

Happy New Year 2019! Best paintings of 2018.

2018 Best Paintings

Miriam’s Art is pleased to exhibit her best paintings of 2018.  Enjoy!

I have struggled with inner voices for a long time.  It is just recently that I don’t listen to them and therefore they are angry with me.  I hope that in the New Year we can learn to live together without being at war.  It soothes my tattered soul to paint.  These are some of my best paintings of 2018.  Slowly I heal.  Enjoy!

Trust your mental health professionals.  They know what they are doing.  I wish for you a Happy New Year filled with courage to face the many challenges of mental illness.  I am strong.  I am courageous.  Luckily I have family to support me and encourage me.  All the best for the New Year my friends, from the bottom of my heart.  Heal my friend heal.  Always keep fighting!

Merry Christmas 2018!

Merry Christmas 2018 500 pi

Miriam’s Art wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas.

We are spending Christmas Eve at my daughter’s house.  It is a Finnish tradition to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve.  We have our Christmas meal of turkey, potatoes, salad, vegetables and Finnish macaroni casserole.  Often they have cold cuts and a cheese plate as well.  Desert is often cake although we have a tendency to have blueberry pie.  Meat pie is also served by my family to honor the French Canadian side of our heritage.  Then we open gifts with the youngest one handing out the gifts one at a time.

It is a time of fun comraderies and good times had by all.  It will be a special time since it’s my grandson’s first birthday.  It will be a joy to see the excitement in his eyes and in his attitude.  Children make Christmas worth while, I believe.  Their joy is contagious!

Please take the time to reach out to friends that have no one this Christmas.  Holidays can be a lonely time.  For any out there feeling alone, know that you are not alone.  You can reach out through your blog, with a phone call or by talking to your neighbor.  If you are in crisis, phone the crisis line.  They have trained professionals to help you through anything!  And I mean anything!  Break the silence!  Talk about your mental health problems.  There are people out there who will listen!

Say Merry Christmas to the stranger on the street.  Smile at a passerby.  Pass it on.  You attract what you are.  Therefore be giving and you’ll attract warm and giving people.  Call that friend who might be having a hard time at Christmas.  It will make you feel good and it will probably make that person’s day!

Always keep fighting.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  Merry Christmas!

 

 

My healing journey…

canada geese and pond 500 pi

I am going forward in my healing journey.  My inner voices are strong today.  But slowly I heal.

My inner voices are not real.  I know this.  But still they are subtle and need me to engage in conversation to move forward.  But I don’t believe that they are real.  I have to remember this.

Now they are trying to affect my speech.  But they are not real.  They can’t control my speech.  I have to remember this.  Today I am not engaging and have not acknowledged them.  Yesterday was A Day.  They set people up.  And they set me up.  I can’t trust them.  They lie!

My healing journey is a lonely one.  But luckily I have the crisis line and a caseworker who take care of me.  Christmas is a difficult time for many with mental illness.  I guess I’m one of these people.  I pray that today isn’t A Day.  In God I trust.  The day might be OK.

Trust your mental health professionals.  They know what they are doing.  I’ll be changing my meds after Christmas.  In the New Year.  Always keep fighting.  Slowly I heal.

Bluebird in Flight.

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Bluebird in Flight pastel painting. It was painted at a time of extreme anxiety. Slowly I heal.

The eye of the bluebird attracts the viewers attention immediately. Then the white of the wing and finally the whole bird.

My inner voices have been bothering me. They threatened an accident today when I drove to an appointment. I concentrated while I drove and nothing happened! That’s one fear I’ve faced now. What a relief! Then I went for a walk and they tried to turn my ankle. That didn’t happen though. So now they’ll say that they weren’t strong enough! Another fear faced. So I’m having a good day. The anxiety is high though. The inner voices want me to fear! I try to observe and have asked for harmony but still they attack. All because I am not talking to them all day. However I try to engage for an hour a day to keep the peace. And I acknowledge them.

I shrug that off and think of Christmas. If you have friends with no loved ones in the city or close by, please reach out to them. Christmas can be lonely to some and a major hurdle for someone with a mental illness. Luckily love surrounds me and supports me. Even my Mom is in town. Has been all month. I am blessed and lucky.

Trust you mental health professionals. They know what they are doing! Sometimes the meds aren’t perfect though. But keep on trying. It will get better. Slowly I heal. Always keep fighting!

Bluebird Ready for Flight.

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Bluebird Ready for Flight pastel painting.  I am going through a blue period.  This painting was done while I was relatively calm.  Slowly I heal.  I have also included a Sunset pastel painting below.

The eye of the bird immediately attracts the viewers attention.  The fluttering blue wings are interesting.  The red brown of the breast contrasts well with the blue and white feathers of the rest of the bird.  The bluebird is perched on a beige branch.  

I have painted this painting at times of stress and at times of calm.  As always the painting soothes my tattered soul.  

I am in a joyful mood.  My mother is here until Christmas.  Although I have had A Days she has helped by distracting me!  The inner voices have been triggered because I have done too much and also because my routine has changed.  But recently the A Day was only half a day.  The voices are quieter and not attacking as much.  That’s due to the medication.  One day they wanted to make me fall and I feared that I would fall in traffic.  I challenged them since they were attacking me about hurting me.  They did nothing while I crossed the street.  I won!  Now the inner voices are making me fear subliminal again.  They do this often.  But it isn’t subliminal.  I am trusting my psychologist now!  The inner voices try to be nice so that I love them again.  But I can’t trust them!  They are not real and they can’t hurt me!  I thank God for my medication, for my psychologist and for Danielle my case worker.  She helps me to challenge the inner voices when it is A Day!

My mother and I are knitting or crocheting for Christmas.  The crocheting was a relief and new so the inner voices weren’t attacking it.  We will clean for Christmas too.  I have let things go because of my illness and now it is time to do more.  It distracts me from the inner voices.  I feel the peace of Christmas and the joy!  I’ll have Christmas all month because my mother is here.  Thank God for my mother and my children.  God I give thanks to you.  

The holidays are hard for people with mental illness.  The coming together of loved ones can cause more stress but they also bring love with them.  Embrace the love my friends.  Embrace the love.  

Trust the mental health professionals.  They know what they are doing!  And trust your medication although if it is addictive try to control what you use.  It will be Christmas soon!

As I have said, I am in a blue period.  The color blue is calming and therapeutic.  It is also my favorite color.  

I have a cold.  Hopefully it will be gone by Christmas.  I am relieved that I am no longer concerned with my business.  I would have had to worry about advertising for the Christmas rush.  I have decided to draw instead of worrying about my business.  Trying to save money.  One day I may start up again but right now I am enjoying the stress free holidays!

Trust the ones you love.  Sometimes they see and notice things that you wouldn’t.  They can be a positive influence!  Always keep fighting!  Slowly I heal. 

Sunset Pastel Painting

Sunset

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Sunset pastel painting.  It was started on a calm day but finished on A Day.  It soothed me to paint it.  Slowly I heal.  

The sun behind the clouds draws the viewers attention as well as it’s reflection on the water.  I am not used to doing sunsets.  This isn’t finished quite yet but I thought that I would post it.  

I fear subliminal control of my thoughts by voices.  But I am strong.  They aren’t succeeding in controlling me.  They sometimes make me feel nervous, more nervous than I should be.  But today I am strong and resisting.  The voices try to control my right to left action or what I am thinking when I write.  But if I have something to do that requires my attention then I can’t hear them most of the time.  It’s when I am at home and have nothing to do that the voices attack.  I am confident that I will be OK.  They’ve even tried to affect me when I was driving.  The Crisis Line recommended that I sing to distract myself.  This I will do from now on.  I have been singing here at home too.  I do things to distract myself at home.  The strategy is to keep busy and distract myself.  

I am sad and sometimes depressed.  The voices have loved me as a person.  And have supported me for a long time.  Now I realise that I am alone.  The voices are often mad at me now.  I face them alone.  But I have God and my children to support me.  

A Day is often triggered by a change in my routine.  My Mom is coming to visit and will spend a month with me.  Unfortunately she may see first hand how I am on A Day.  But then she’ll understand my illness better.  Also, she will be distracting me and so for this I am grateful.  It will be a joy to see my mother.  She plans to stay until the end of December so she’ll be here for Christmas.  A time for family and love.  

I wish love for all of you.  The support of love.  That’s what keeps me going.  Love one another.  Always keep fighting!