Tulips…it’s spring!

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Tulips watercolor.  It was painted at times of extreme anxiety.  Slowly I heal.

It is spring.  This is my ode to spring.  The colors of the tulips immediately attract the viewers eye.  The sky is a blue in the background and leaves also surround the flowers.  I am enjoying watercolors again.  Although I am running out of supplies.

I have been self isolating because of Covid 19.  I have had a cough but it didn’t develop into Covid 19, luckily.  But I have been self isolating.  My new med, Clozapine, has helped a lot.  I am having about 2 A Days in a month with maybe 5 Medium Days and then 21 Nice days on average.  The voices are intense in the morning and it is always a fear that it will become A Day but it doesn’t.  I talk with the voices for one hour each day, as my psychologist recommended. The voices often calm down after that.  Even now as I am writing they are waiting for a chance to talk.  But I only talk to them during that one hour in the morning.  Otherwise I try to ignore them.  Which is hard to do.

I have started cleaning out my house.  It is slow going but one day at a time.  I want to put up my house for sale this summer.  Hopefully I can get it cleaned out in time.

My daughters have been a great support to me even though I haven’t had contact with them.  This cough has kept them away. But finally I can feel that its getting better.

Clozapine requires weekly blood tests.  So I go to Life Labs once a week and then see my nurse once a week.  My psychiatrist has started calling me because of Covid 19.  I am happy to say that I am doing well.

Someone close to me has thought of suicide in the far past.  Not lately though.  I would like to find a good book that tells us how to talk about it with someone who is contemplating it.  If you know of a good book, please comment and let me know.  I know that suicide is never the answer, there is always something else that you can do.  But that’s all I know.

I have been doing Shamanic Journeying.  And it’s been going well.  I talked to my pastor about it.  He said that the good spirits in the Shamanic Journeying are good and therefore OK.  He told me to beware of the evil spirits dressed in sheeps clothing that may look good but really aren’t.  I am happy that my pastor said the good spirits are good.  He didn’t tell me to stop believing in them.  What a relief.

I’ve been going to church more.  I am not in tune with God but realise that He is with me every day.  That I don’t have to face my voices alone.  I am also getting help from a good spirit.  Jesus Christ has become more important to me.  I should try to be more like Him.  Love others as I would like to be loved.  I am trying.

So Happy Spring.  Know that I care about you.  Always keep fighting!

Staying in and covid 19

Miriam’s Art is pleased to show her Flicker pastel painting.  It was done on a day of relative calm.  Slowly I heal.

I have been self isolating because of covid 19 and the fact that I have a cough.  It isn’t anything serious and no other symptoms but I’m staying away from everyone.  I can usually handle being on my own but it is getting boring.  My new med, Clozapine, requires weekly blood tests and a weekly talk with my nurse.  It is scary to go out but all precautions are being met.  I can only call loved ones on the phone.

The Clozapine has given me some relief.  I am now having maybe two or three A Days in a month.  The rest are Medium Days with a lot of Nice Days.  The Nice Day is when the voices don’t take over and I am able to navigate the day well.  So I’m glad to be taking Clozapine.  The weekly blood tests are scary though as well as the weekly visit to my nurse.  They monitor my blood pressure, my temperature, oxygen level and weight.  They also monitor my white blood cell count with the blood test.  Clozapine might affect my white blood cell count.  But so far it hasn’t.

I am still taking Latuda as well but my psychiatrist will be slowly reducing the amount that I take.

Side effects of the Clozapine are weight gain and tiredness.   I have gained about seven pounds.  Trying to eat healthy snacks though.  And I walk almost every day.  Too bad the rec centre is closed.  Can’t go for aquafitness.  I miss the group of women who used to go for a coffee.

I am not depressed but complaining to myself.  I want to be able to go out for a coffee and not worry.  How are you during these scary times?  Remember to reach out to a loved one or a friend.  Even if it’s just a phone call.  It will help you and help them.

I am making Finnish coffee bread and cinnamon buns.  It is quite good and took most of the day.  The house smells like cardamom.  The spice that we use.  I’ve started cooking the Finnish way.  I made salmon stew the other day and it was so good.  It reminded me of the trip we took to Finland in September 2019.  The Finns are staying at home too.  We are all very careful with covid 19.

I am happy.  I should be painting.  I painted a tulip but then made the leaves all wrong.  So I have to throw out that painting and do it over again.  Oh well!  Remember that there is always another thing you could do, suicide is not an answer.  There is always some other way to help heal the problem or to find a solution.  Reach out to your mental health crisis line.  Please!

Always keep fighting.  Take care and know that I care what happens to you.  Stay safe.  Stay home.  🙂

Red Cabin watercolor painting.

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Red Cabin watercolor painting.  This painting was done on a calm day.  Actually over many days.  It provided a good distraction to my inner voices.  The cabin nestled in between trees is quite alluring.  I was calm as I finished this painting.

I have started a new medication.  Its Clozapine and seems to be working well although it is still early to say.  In the month of February I had no A Days just Medium Days so that was good.  However the new med requires weekly blood tests at the hospital and will cause weight gain.  With the covid 19 scare I really don’t want to be going to the hospital but I have to.  The tests can be done nowhere else.  I have already gained 5 pounds.  So I’ll be doing aquafitness five days a week now when they reopen the rec centre.  They’ve closed it for March break.

I haven’t been painting much or writing.  I used to do this in the morning but now I do aquafit.  I’m too tired in the afternoon to paint.  Or I should say I am too comfortable reading.  I have to really push myself to do anything other than read in the afternoon.  Since the rec centre is closed I’ll be walking in the morning.  Maybe I’ll be more inclined to paint.  We’ll see.

It is a Nice Day today.  The inner voices are calm.  Oh they’re always there but today they are not aggressive or intense.  I rejoice!  I am so happy.

Remember to always keep fighting.  Slowly I heal.

Here’s a flicker I did in February.

Just an update…

Here’s a pastel painting of a Hummingbird I did in January.  Slowly I heal.

I write this post with mixed feelings.  The hallucinations have been so bad lately that I’ve decided to try the new drug that my psychiatrist has been recommending:  Clozaril.  This will involve weekly blood tests for six months.  I’m worried about snow storms and how that will affect the blood testing schedule but I’ve had enough.  It’s harassement by Mine (meaning my sons which I don’t have physically) and I am tired of it.  I have had a lot of A Days and a lot of A Medium Days, some I could have called A Days.  A Days are the worst days.  I don’t know why the month of November has been so intense.  Crisis Mental Health had suggested I check with my doctor about last November.  Perhaps it was a trend.  A lot of mentally ill people have a difficult time in November.  I will be seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday.

The voices (Mine) want me to choose who is winning.  And they want me to pop words that they are saying they are using as thought control.  Like this, that or oh.  But I’m 99.999% sure that it’s not thought control.  And I’m 99% sure that hell is coming.  Hell used to be prominent in my hallucinations.

I talk to the voices for an hour each day.  My psychologist recommended this.  Things usually quiet down during this time.  Which is good.  I talk with the voices out loud.  Sometimes they ask if I’m pregnant.  Which is impossible.  Sometimes they talk of raping.  And it’s usually me that gets raped but I don’t feel it.  I see something go in me.  But since I have been talking with the voices, no one else is being raped.  And there has been no cutting too.  This is a sign that I am healing.  And I often say this to the voices.

I am tired of the harassement.  I face each day with courage and strength.  Trying to resist talking to the voices.  I am strong.  And I am courageous.  But I’ve had enough!  Hopefully the new drug will help.

Always keep fighting.  Slowly I heal.

Just an update…

I haven’t been posting lately.  I’ve had too much to do and trying to read to distract my inner voices.  So much so that I hide myself in books now, not doing much more.

I went to Finland with my mother who is 83 years old.  She didn’t want to travel by herself so I went with her.  On the day we left, the voices were intense but luckily I didn’t have to drive to the airport.  One of my daughters gave us a ride.  Then it was so busy at the airport that I forgot all about the voices.  We spent 5 and a half hours on the flight to Iceland.  Everything went well.  I managed to doze a bit and so did my mother.  When we got to Iceland we had to quickly change planes.  I just had time to go to the bathroom but it was close.  Then were arrived in Finland at about 1:30 pm their time.  They are seven hours ahead of us.  My aunt and uncle were there to greet us.  It took four hours to drive to my aunt’s home.  But all went well.  We stopped along the way to have something to eat.  When we arrived at my aunt’s place the voices were quiet.  The next day too.  They would come in waves and barely bother me all day.  I think the time change had something to do with it.  The next day my uncle picked us up and we all went to his place.  It was good times had by all.  We even had a gathering of all my mother’s brothers and sisters and their children and their children.  There were 70 people there.  A big family.  The joy in their faces when they saw us and talked to us really warmed the heart.  It was so nice to be with them all.  In total I had one full A Day in Finland out of a two week stay.  I really was lucky and was able to manage it well.  The return trip home was less eventful but long.  We were tired when we got home.  My daughter picked us up at the airport again.  It was a fun trip all in all.

We stayed at my place for a couple of days to adjust to the time change.  Then I drove my mother home.  For her it was three weeks away from home.  She was glad to be home.  And was overjoyed to have seen her family.

I’ve been to a Naturopath.  She has agreed to me taking 1000 mg of Vit C in the morning and then 1000 mg again in the afternoon.  She also wants me to take 6000 IU of Vit D as well as a good quality Omega 3.  I have had a busy month already.  It might have been the Omega 3 or the fact that I changed my routine and was making omelets every morning.  It settled for two days but again today I had A Day.  But I was able to weather it well.  I did things to distract myself.  And generally kept busy.

My Naturopath had my cortisol levels checked and they were normal.  So even though I am under a lot of stress my body hasn’t reacted by having high levels of cortisol.  This came as a surprise.  My Naturopath said that my body was dealing with the stress normally.  What is actually happening in my brain I do not know.

I am weathering it well but often need to call Crisis Mental Health and they help me to figure out what to do next.  They are invaluable to me.

Always keep fighting!

Blue Heron Pastel Painting.

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Blue Heron pastel painting.  It was painted over a long period.  Some days were stressful, others not.  Slowly I heal.

 

Below is a painting thinking of my subconscious.  The gold color stands for warmth and balanced energy.  The gold is the subconscious.  The brown are my delusions and conscious mind.  The background is my conscious mind.  I have been doing Shamanic Journeying so my subconscious is finally mingling with my conscious mind.  What a relief and a breakthrough!

 

 

 

I’ll  be too busy to post for a while.  Sorry about that.  I’ll get back to posting when I can.

Enjoy.  And remember yours meds are just as important as therapy!  Cheers!

A drawing with my subconscious…

This is a drawing thinking of my subconscious.  It is a pleasant drawing.  Slowly I heal.

The black on the bottom is the subconscious.  The blue wave represents my hallucinations of my conscious mind.  And the aquamarine is the conscious mind.  It’s the first time that I have added depth to the hallucination part of the drawing.  This is important somehow.  The hallucinations are simpler now that there is one dominant voice, that of Mine who represent my sons.  Although sometimes questions are asked of Daa (stands for dominant).  God hasn’t been in a long while.

My psychologist says that there is a definite break between the conscious mind and the subconscious.  As has been in many of the drawings.  The conscious mind doesn’t mix with the subconscious mind.  I told him that during meditation the subconscious calms down.  That’s when he recommended Shaman Journeying.  So I am trying the Shaman Journeying so that my conscious mind can mingle with my unconscious mind and so that I can be more aware of it.  It will be interesting to see if this happens.

It’s important that I am adding to depth to the hallucination part of the drawing, the wave.  But perhaps I should be ignoring this.  My psychologist doesn’t spend much time talking about the hallucinations except if I am having A Day.  I should probably be focusing on the subconscious mind.

Today is a Medium Day already.  It’s 9:00 AM and I’m going to church today.  My psychologist recommended that I start going to church again.  I am a Christian and today I become a member of the church I recently found.  I have to go in front of the congregation and pledge my allegiance to God, the bible and the church.  Should be interesting.  I have come a long way from the person who was scared to leave her house.  The anxiety is building.  I hope and pray it will go alright!

So I leave you now.  Slowly I heal.  Always keep fighting!

Just an update…

Here is my Snow Leopard pastel painting again.  I forgot that I had posted it already.  Just writing a quick update.

The voices are bothering me today.  It’s been a Medium Day in the morning.  I realised last night again that I was engaging too much with the voices without realising it.  It’s a slippery slope.  I now talk to them between 10:30 and 11:30.  But shouldn’t engage with them outside of that time.  But at times I get involved with their attacks.  Like how to reply right.  To use the right words when replying.  And my thoughts pop so it’s not like I can block them out.  But I got sucked in yet again.  To think and reply the right way when I should be ignoring them completely.  I tried that this morning and the voices got angry with me.  They got mad and said that they hated me and that they would get others to hate me too.  This may be because I tried to meditate a new way yesterday.  I am trying Shaman journeying with a drum beat on youtube.  It lasts for 30 minutes.  I only did 20 minutes.  But today the voices were more violent.  They have not often said that they hate me.  I’m getting used to death threats if I have to drive somewhere.  But the threat of having others hate me is relatively new.  However it is usually just one voice I hear.  These are hallucinations we are talking about.  Luckily I know that they are not real!  But it will be a sad day if the voices are all yelling at me in hate.  That would be depressing.  I guess it might happen now.  Meditation in any form has bothered the voices.  So much so that I decided to do it once a week instead of every day.  Although meditation is supposed to help the cortisol levels in my brain, it affects the voices too much to do it too often.  But they’ll get used to it.  Before when I was painting with my subconscious it was sure that I would have a bad day the next day.  Now that has settled down.  So that’s a relief.

The Shaman Journeying is new.  I have ordered a book by Sandra Ingerman.  It was her youtube recording as well.  Apparently you can journey in your mind as you listen to the drum beat.  It’s interesting and worth a try.  I am trying to connect with my subconscious to give her peace.  I am sure she is tired of the voices too.  She is aware of some of the attacks by the voices as are shown in dreams.  She is also aware that I have let go of the delusion that I have rich lovers.  I am now looking for true love in a physical relationship.  But not up to meeting anyone yet.  Although I am looking.  I believe that when the time is right it will happen.  We’ll see!

So today has been a mixed bag.  I am tired.  I had a busy week.  A joyful but busy week.  Today I even got some cleaning done!  I rejoice the days I get things done.  I read to distract myself from the voices but reading makes me more tired.  It’s a catch 22 situation.  I get relief from the voices but it tires me.

Remember to take your meds.  They are crucial to your survival and resisting your mental illness.  If they aren’t helping tell your psychiatrist.  Maybe there is something else you can try.  I appreciate my psychologist more than my psychiatrist though.  My psychiatrist doesn’t want to discuss.  He just administers the drug.  My psychologist is the one who gives me therapy.  Trust both I guess if you’re lucky enough to have both.  If not find a counselor who can help you!

Slowly I heal.  Always keep fighting!

Snow Leopard Pastel Painting.

Miriam’s Art is pleased to release her Snow Leopard pastel painting.  It was painted at times of extreme stress.  Slowly she heals.

The yellow gaze and the white reflections on the eyes immediately draw the viewers attention.  Then the eye travels along the shite fur of the face and notices the black spots.  The nose of the snow leopard further draws the eye to the bottom of the painting and then the whiskers and white fur of the cheeks bring the eye back to the center of the painting.

I was under extreme stress while painting this.  As usual the painting helped to distract me.  At least this time I wasn’t bothered by left and right or up and down.  The voices are getting better.  My cortisol levels are high though because of the stress.

There are two dominant voices in my hallucinations.  Mine (my sons) and Daa (for Dominant).  They have been really intense today.  So much so that I thought that it was A Day.  Then I realised that it was half an hour before the time I usually talk to the voices.  I decided right then and there to talk to them.  This helped to settle things down.  Mine were engaging with me and Daa even answered a few questions.  So now the hope is that the afternoon will be better.  I think it will be.  A belief is a delusion.  Some delusions I still believe in are whips to control people (they swoop down and capture people) and that paper is taken away.  These are beliefs.  They shouldn’t be confused with hallucinations which are something not real that I see, hear, taste, smell or feel.  I suffer from hallucinations and see and hear many things.  I have come to know and recognize many voices.  Usually on A Day Mine want me to choose who is winning.  But I am not buying into their games.  And if I have to bend over, Mine immediately ask who I am bowing to.  I think and pop no one.  My thought pops out and is expressed.  I can’t control the popping of a thought.  Mine want me to bow to evil.  My med Latuda is helping to keep evil at bay.  So many of the evil men are now simply men.  And I pop it often.  There is also popping talking.  When my thoughts actually pop as if I am having a conversation.  This is scary but I am calm.  I used to pop a lot before.  The important thing is not to engage except during the hour that I usually talk to the voices.  So I was smart today.  I washed my hair in the sink.  This involves bending over and therefore bowing.  I did it while I was talking to the voices and could engage.  I also looked up my numbers for my bank account which involved passwords.  All during the time that I was talking to the voices.  This helped get those two things out of the way.  I face the inner voices with strength and courage every day and I am calm.

Now it has been an hour that I have been talking so I have stopped talking.  I am hesitant.  But hopeful.  I quietly wait to see if the afternoon will be A Day or not.  I am going to Finland with my mother in September.  To help deal with it and instead of repressing it, I am saying to myself in the mirror that “I am going to Finland in two months and I’m going to have fun.  I will be alright!”  This may have triggered today but it may have also been the Lovingkindness Meditation that I did yesterday.  Meditation is supposed to help but it has made Mine more in my face and as air in my mouth.  Mine have gotten more violent.  I am hoping that meditating only once a week will help.  I was meditating every day and was having Medium Days every day so I backed off.  Meditation is said to help cortisol levels.  But it has negatively impacted Mine.

So I face the day with courage and strength.  Now it’s time to eat so I’ll leave you.  Have a good day everybody.  Trust your meds and your inner strength and courage.  Slowly I heal.  Always keep fighting!

Snow Leopard Cub Pastel Painting.

Miriam’s Art is pleased to exhibit her Snow Leopard Cub pastel painting.  She is having an unusual day with the voices.  Slowly she heals.

The bright blue eyes with the glinting light capture the viewer’s attention immediately.  The face is obviously of a cub.  One full of mischief perhaps!

I have been painting less.  I usually paint in the morning but now that is taken up by yoga or aquafitness.  I am even writing less.  I have to reorganise my whole schedule.  Presently I am trying to finish off my grandson’s portrait and am painting an adult snow leopard as well.

Today I have had an unusual day with my inner voices.  They have tried to make it A Day.  But it’s merely been a Medium Day.  At times the voices have even waited, respecting that I had to do things.  This in itself is unusual.  I presume that it’s because of my new medication Latuda.  Which is fantastic in effect.  However, small changes in routine can still trigger Medium or bad days.  But I’m surviving.  I spent some quality time with my Mom this week.  Although the voices were a Day there for two of the three days I was there.  But I was able to function and get things done.  I cherish my Mom.  So any time spent with her is a plus.  Today the voices have tried repeatedly to make it A Day but I am not buying into their schemes.  I have to remember that they are not real.  I just recently remembered not to get involved which angered them even more.  But I do survive these Medium Days.  Quite well actually.  And they are not real.  So it doesn’t matter what’s happening in their world.  I hallucinate.  A hallucination can be anything you hear, see, smell, taste or feel that’s not real.  But I know it not to be real so that’s the main thing.  So I don’t buy into what the voices are saying.  I don’t have to worry who is winning or what’s happening somewhere else.  Although the voices are trying to raise my awareness of one dominant voice, hoping that it will bring him back.  It’s been a while so I don’t know if he’ll be back.  But my meds are helping.

I bought a huge wooden spoon and wrote It’s Not Real on the spoon.  I also wrote courage and strength on the sides of the spoon.  Sometimes I grasp it and the strength of the spoon gives me courage and strength to withstand the voices.  My psychologist recommended that I get a rock and do the same thing.  I could carry the rock in my pocket or purse that way.  I still have to do that.  Maybe this weekend.

Trust your medication.  Although it is a personal journey trust it once you have found the mix that works for you.  But I trust my psychologist more than my psychiatrist.  All my psychiatrist does is prescribe the meds.  He’s not really interested in anything else.  My psychologist, my therapist, on the other hand is interested in talking with me about the reasons for my bad days and the reasons for the voices.  The voices may be linked to cortisol levels in my brain.  Cortisol is the hormone related to the fight or flight instinct in our brains.  I am stressed by the voices so much that my cortisol levels are abnormally high.  In the morning and on my bad days.  The way to reduce cortisol levels is to get good sleep, drink less coffee, meditate, eat vitamin C foods, get a message, drink water, go out and socialize among other things.  I do most of these except for get a message.  I only have one cup of coffee a day.  That I can’t give up!  Other than that I am doing what I should be doing to reduce cortisol.  What I can do on the Medium Days or A Days might be to meditate.  I could use mindfulness and see if that helps.

Trust your psychologist.  Mine has given me a couple of more tools to cope with my bad days.  They have helped.  I even had a bad day while driving for three hours.  I was able to drive and am proud of the fact.  Mind you I have gotten used to hearing the voices and driving at the same time.  But I was able to weather it well.  The worst trip that I’ve ever had but I did it.  I pat myself on the back.  Literally!

I have been reading a lot.  I fear that this suppresses the voices and might make them more active the next day.  I don’t know.  On a bad day, finally going to sleep is what stops the voices.  The next day is usually calm although I have had some 1/4 A Days back to back.  Again it might be the suppressing of the voices while I read.  The voices don’t usually bother me while I read.  I can almost block them out.  I will have to wait and see.

Trust your mental health professionals.  They know what they are doing.  And trust the mental health crisis line in your area.  Mine is a key to surviving the A Days or even the Medium Days.

Slowly I heal.  Always keep fighting!