Talking to a friend…

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Miriam took a chance and talked to a friend … she broke the silence.  But before she asked herself  some questions.  Slowly I heal.

When you are weighed down by your troubles it helps to talk to someone about them.  But before you do there are some questions that you could be asking yourself.  They are:

  • “I want to talk about….
  • I don’t want to talk about …
  • I expect …
  • I’m going to do it (on what date) …
  • I’m going to talk to them where?
  • I’m going to set up ahead of time by …
  • The response I’d like is …
  • I’m going to ask for …
  • It’s ok for them to tell…
  • It’s not ok for them to tell…”

(page 248-250; The Courage to Heal; Laura Davis; 1990; New York).

So I prepared myself with these questions and was ready to talk to my friend.  I chose a coffee shop hoping that I wouldn’t cry.  It worked!  She thanked me for my trust and it was a very positive experience.  Now another person knows which is good.

Slowly I heal…

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Cougar WIP Pastel Painting.

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Miriam’s Art is pleased to show her Cougar WIP pastel painting.  She took the time to paint today.  It’s a much better way of calming down than reading.  Slowly she heals.

The cougar is resting on a branch sloping downwards.  The powerful musculature of the cat is evident in the painting.  It is a majestic animal.  The grey branches support the cougar.

I have been avoiding painting because I have been too stressed and tired.  Now that I am walking almost every day the calm of the morning is no longer used for painting.  Then I read when I get home and I have been neglecting my painting.  The painting soothes my nerves a lot better than reading and it’s not as tiring.

I am trying a new technique with the background of this majestic big cat.  I just want to add a hint of light.  But I have to erase it more to give it a hazy look.  Light not quite in focus.  The branches that the cougar is not perched on should be hazy too so I have to work on them more.  I am going to define the musculature more in the cat.  It’s hard to see it under the skin.

This is a work in progress (WIP).  Not the finished painting.  I’ll be posting the finished painting later.  Enjoy!

Reblog…New Video Released of a Wild Jaguar in the United States

I have exciting news to share! The Center for Biological Diversity just released a new video of a wild jaguar (Panthera onca) in the United States. Many people are not aware that jaguars are native to the US. Their range once included parts of Arizona, New Mexico, California, Texas, Louisiana, and possibly more (Alanen, 2015; […]

via New Video Released of a Wild Jaguar in the United States — The Jaguar

My healing journey…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  She is finding it hard to follow her usual routine.  She is learning about speaking up.  Slowly she heals.

I am sorry that I didn’t post on Thursday.  I am forgetting my schedule completely.  I even forget at times that I’m working on the computer.  I am distracted.  It has to do with reading The Courage to Heal and remembering.  I am also reading about breaking the silence.  If one starts talking of abuse one has to be careful because the person may be compassionate or confrontational.  The compassionate one is the easier one to talk to.  They will understand and show compassion.  The confrontational one will challenge the abuse and it will be harder to talk to them.  When talking to the compassionate one one has to still prepare.  One should think of what they want to say, how much they want to say, what they don’t want to say and what they don’t want the listener to do.  One should also think carefully of where they will talk and when.  One should think hard and be sure that the person will be compassionate.  If the person listening has also been subjected to abuse they may deny your claims or get very upset themselves.  Or go blank.  One never knows.  I still haven’t read how to talk with the confrontational person.  I have one in mind and fear talking to them about this.  But at the same time I want to protect them from knowing about this.  I also thought of talking to a friend.  She would be compassionate.  It will be hard to talk to her but I think that that is the next step in my healing.  I think that the more people I tell the more I will heal.  I’d like to thank you all at this point because it has been very therapeutic to write about my healing process to all of you.  It has helped a lot to write it all down.  Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart!  Thank you.

I don’t know what the next step in the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook is.  I have faced my fears, some of them, and face them in an ongoing way.  Every day I face them.  Sometimes I really force myself.

I have decided to spend more time with my friend.  I had been anxious about seeing her.  But my fears are not real.  They are not interested in me.  I will spend more time with my friend rather than just concentrating on my children.  I need more out of life.  I also want to start to clean up my house a bit.  But I have a major block about cleaning.  I just realized how major it is.  I’ll have to work on that.

Slowly I heal…until next time…

Relaxation technique…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I have a new relaxation technique and a new exercise.  Slowly I heal.

The relaxation technique is to sit comfortably and relaxed.  Then close your eyes and think of a forest.  Just relax and hear the birds in the forest.  Then you hear a stream.  Slowly you walk towards the stream.  There you find a warm rock and you lay down and close your eyes.  The warm rock supports you.  It gives you strength.  It supports you.  Listen to the stream as it flows by.  Then open your eyes and go to the forest.  Pick up something in the forest.  It is a gift from the forest.  As you are leaving you see a path up a mountain.  The sun is setting.  You reach the top and sit on a warm rock and watch the sunset.  Think of your troubles as you watch the sunset.  Then walk to a cave where you see a bed of pine needles.  Lay down and sleep.  Relax.  Feel the pine needles beneath you and relax.  Then become awake with the light.  Go out of the cave and see the moon fall and the sun rise.  It is another day.  You are healed.  You are one.

The exercise I have is to study an orange or a tangerine.  I have to sit with the orange in my lap.  Then I have been invited to describe the orange in my hands.  The size, the weight, the smell.  Just look at the orange thinking of the orange.  Does your mind wander?  What is it thinking of?  Then pierce the skin with your nail.  Describe what that is like…perhaps the smell.  Then quietly peel the orange thinking only of the orange.  Then describe the orange.  Does your mind wander?  What is it thinking of?  Then place a piece of the orange on your tongue.  Describe how it feels to swallow the orange.

I don’t know what we’ll do with this exercise but I’ll keep you posted.

I have been facing my fears and slowly I heal.  My mind has to adjust and sometimes now I worry just about little things.  But I have been strong and faced my fears.  It takes courage.

Until next time…Thursday…until then.

Seagulls Watercolor Painting.

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Miriam’s Art shows her Seagulls watercolor painting once again.  She is trying a new technique and hasn’t finished the painting yet.  Here is one you have seen before.

I am trying a new technique to paint clouds and seagulls.  It’s new and the first attempt didn’t work out too well.  So I am redoing it.  Waves are just as hard as clouds to paint.  It takes a special skill.

I am calmer now.  Able to do things like pay bills.  I bought some pastel pencils for myself.  One of my daughters pitched in for my birthday.  They were expensive but I need them for my art.  I still have to read the chapter about believing that it happened to you.  I might do that today.  I am resisting.  I get so tired and emotional that I have to pick the right moment.

Enjoy!

My healing journey…I don’t have to remember.

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I don’t have to remember to heal!  Slowly I heal.

I am trying to get back on track and post on my usual days.  Thursday is one of those days.  I wasn’t able to function well during the week because I was putting off reading about remembering my abuse.  I didn’t want to remember.  The free writing I had done left me raw with emotion.  It was all too much.  Therefore I just read my romance novel and blocked everything else out.  I didn’t even start a new art project but just read.  Then when I wrote my last blog I realized that I was putting off reading and then I read.  It was a relief because they said that people don’t have to remember to heal.  They can heal without remembering.  My counselor told me that I had experienced the abuse once there was no reason to have to remember it all.  I have remembered some things and that’s enough.

I’m sorry I’ve been recuperating today.  Yesterday was a heavy day with me facing the fear of remembering.  It always tires me.  Even just reading a novel is tiring too.  So I haven’t read further in my book.  The next section is about believing that it happened.  Free writing has helped me realize that something happened.  Something traumatic.  I’ll do more free writing when I can but not yet.

So I don’t have much more to say except that I don’t have to remember.  That is such a big relief!

Until next time…

My healing journey and remembering…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  She is scared to remember.  And therefore does not heal.

I am at a place in the Courage To Heal Workbook where I have to read about remembering my childhood.  My counselor advised me not to spend too much time with this section.  That I had remembered enough.  I have been reading a romance novel all week avoiding my workbook.  I can’t even pay my bills today.  I just want to read the novel.  So thank you for being there.  Writing this post has made me realize that I have to read the section on remembering today to be able to function normally.  So I’ll do that right after this post.  Then I’ll be able to heal.

I did my warrior’s mask over again.  The Inca inspired mask was just too ugly.  Even my dog was scared of it!  The new Celtic design is below.

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The design between the eyes is the Celtic symbol for wisdom.  The design to the left of the nose is the Celtic symbol for strength.  The design to the right is the Celtic symbol for inner strength.  And the two designs on the forehead are the Celtic knot that symbolizes three trios:  earth, air, water; mind, body, soul; and past, present, future.  It’s energy is for protection, eternal love and unity without end.  I need a lot of inner strength, strength and wisdom to face my fears.  The mind, body and soul are involved.  And I need protection while doing it.  That’s why I chose the symbols that I did.

Now I am going to light my candle.  Read my Courage to Heal Workbook.  And then have a cup of hot tea with milk.

Until next time…

What am I up to these days?

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Miriam’s Art takes a little time to reflect on her successes and to heal.  Enjoy!

I have some successes to talk about and some things in the works.  I sold two pet portraits to a friend of mine.  I was so excited about that.  One of the pet portraits was a wedding gift for a friend.  I am in the process of negotiating the shipping for the sale of another painting.  I’m excited about that too!  Wow!  People are really getting interested in my art.

On a personal note I have been trying to get healthier.  I have an app the counts calories for me and another one that counts the kilometers I have walked, the time, the calories and the steps.  So I am slowly getting healthier.  I had a very sedentary life for a while.  You have to stay active.

I haven’t painted all week.  I had some major stresses that I had to work through.  I’ll get back to it next week.  I did however finish my warrior’s mask.  I am a bit embarrassed because it looks so ugly but it’s supposed to be a warrior’s mask right?  I have been working on it all week.

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I have put the Celtic symbol for inner strength between the eyes.  Before it was all grey with just symbols and that didn’t look right.  So I used an Inca mask for inspiration.  I won’t redo it but it is ugly.

That’s all for now!  Have a wonderful long weekend!  xx  Safe travels!

My weapons for battle…

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Miriam speaks of her healing journey.  I have been guided to design my weapons for battle in a story about myself where I battle evil.  It is therapeutic and symbolic.

Above you see the dagger that I have designed using a Celtic dagger as a guideline.  In my story of me battling evil the first weapon I needed was a dagger for the evil came creeping in at night.  I have also designed a snow leopard totem in Celtic design.  Shown below.

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The original design used a wolf but my totem animal s the snow leopard so I designed this with a snow leopard in mind.  Next came the sword and shield.  Shown below.

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This is all symbolic of my inner battle against what happened to me in my childhood.  I feel stronger having designed these weapons.  Finally they are done!  I have designed a warrior’s mask but it isn’t finished yet.  It has an Inca flavor to it but with Celtic symbols on it.  I may post that tomorrow.

Forgive me I didn’t post yesterday.  I usually post Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.  Yesterday I had computer problems.  An IT Tech took over my computer for most of the afternoon and fixed it.  I was so stressed out!  I couldn’t handle the stress so I read and watched television.  I was exhausted by the time I went to bed.

It’s funny.  I was very scared when I was walking on a forest path.  My counselor explained that I was very scared when I was a child.  So I now walk on a less secluded path but today, after I was afraid for a moment due to inner demons, I was worried that a bear might come onto the path.  It was early in the morning.  So if I’m not scared of my inner demons my mind finds something real to be scared of next.  Will I ever be calm?

I still have to write more in this story where Miriam faces an evil Celtic goblin now.  I have to describe him as a Celtic goblin in the story.  It was symbolic that in my story I didn’t face the evil just once but repeatedly.  It’s my memories trying to show through.  Slowly I heal.

Until tomorrow…